Para sa yo pa rin... bawat titik, bawat mensahe ng kantang ito ginawa ni "yeng" para sa 'yo... hindi ko alam kung ilang beses na rin at kung anu-anong klaseng paraan ipinaalam ni "yeng" sa 'yo na 24/7 available s'ya para sa 'yo. rain or shine. magparamdam ka lang... tatakbo sya sa tabi mo... no conditions... ang importante lang tinawag mo s'ya... kinailangan. kinaibigan. hindi pa rin s'ya nagsasawa hanggang ngayon, umaasa... kaibigan mo pa rin kahit na wala ka nang imik... naghihintay-walang sawa... sabi nga ni Hyun-woo kay Su-in "I'll never let go of your hand" minsan naitatanong ko sa sarili ko, napanuod kya nya yun?Ü
Hawak Kamay
by Yeng Constantino
Minsan madarama mo kay bigat ng problema
Minsan nahihirapan ka at masasabing “di ko na kaya”
Tumingin ka lang sa langit,
Baka sakaling may masumpungan
O 'di kaya ako’y tawagin...
Malalaman mong kahit kailan...
Hawak-kamay
'Di kita iiwan sa paglakbay
Dito sa mundong walang katiyakan
Hawak-kamay
Di kita bibitawan sa paglalakbay
Sa mundo ng kawalan
Minsan madarama mo
Ang mundo’y gumuho sa ilalim ng iyong mga paa
At ang agos ng problema’y tinatangay ka
Tumingin ka lang sa langit
Baka sakaling may masumpungan
Di kaya ako’y tawagin
Malalaman mong kahit kailan
Wag mong sabihin nag-iisa ka
Laging isipin meron kang kasama
Narito ako oh, Narito ako…
Sa mundo ng kawalan
Hawak kamay... Hawak kamay...
Sa mundo ng kawalan…
Friday, November 24, 2006
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
"I'll Never Let Go of Your Hand..."
Day 4_DAVAO
8th of October
Event: Closing Time...
Today is my last day in Davao... siguro di mo alam na nararamdaman ko ang pagbangon mo. simula pa nung friday, you wanted to make me feel na lumilipat ka sa sala at na mas comfortable ka matulog dun kaysa sa room na pinag-stay-an ko... unfortunately, i really hadn't slept much. at talagang mababaw ang tulog ko at hirap ako matulog kapag may "unfinished business" ako sa taong kasama ko. and sobra ang need ko na makausap kita. at na di ako nagkaroon ng chance at ng lakas ng loob na magkausap tayo. dahil na rin siguro sa sinabi mo days before ako pumunta dyan na there was nothing to talk about and something to that effect na parang walang nangyari. parang hindi nangyari na tumahimik ka na lang bigla and cut your communication with me. twice pa. alam ko di ko rin naman alam kung ano dapat ko sabihin but a great wall was betwen us and i really never felt you beside me. YOU were never with me.you were there because you have to be there because you are compelled to attend to me. alam mo yun? but i am grateful, dahil kahit paano, i saw you. i've been with your family.
no plans were made for the day except my buying pomelo. worried ka na naman at baka sarado ang bilihan nun. can't you relax? did he make you anxious on almost everything at hand? we had breakfast and i took a bath and readied myself na. your mama and i had a really nice talk nung naliligo ka na. mabuti pa si mama lily nakikipag heart-to-heart talk sa akin. nagsi-share sya ng mga saloobin nya sa akin, to think na dapat ikaw ang ganun sa akin coz ikaw yung kaibigan ko. we've had a really nice talk. your mama made me feel na friend ako ng family nyo. that she completely trust me. i wish you were like that to me. because i really do care. you just don't know how important your friendship is to me. i just wish...
so yun, since may lakad din si mama lily, kasabay na natin sya sa taxi. luckily, open ang stores na bilihan ng pomelo. ininsist mo na ikaw magbabayad ng pasalubong mo kina rachie kaya sumobra ang dala ko. the problem with me is that when i set my mind to something, mahirap ma-sway yung decision na yun. naka-set na ang mind ko na bumili ng two sets. one for the NIDSS and one for my cousins. so, since ayaw mo pumayag na di ako ang bumili nung para sa NIDSS, sumbora tuloy ang dala ko. kanino ko na naman kaya ipapamigay ito? whew!
so dala natin yun sa sm coz i needed to buy shirt for rachie na kagabi lang nya itinext na gusto nya nun. e wala nga ako sa wisyo bumili ng pasalubong o magbigay ng kahit ano sa di ko nakatatak sa isip ko at sa puso. kasi ang papasalubungan ko e kasama ko - ikaw pwera sa mga pinsan ko na sumasama sa akin at nagpapatawa sa akin.
we bought lunch - take note! jollibee kasi gusto mo magtipid. ano ka ba? lunch na nga lang e... anyways, so yun.. uwi na tayo. andun na si mama lily. tapos sabi mo kaugalian na yun na after lunch nagtutulugan ang tao sa inyo. gusto ko sanang sabihin sa yo, ano ba ang ipinagkaiba ng family mo sa pamilyang Pilipino. ganun din kami. so i pretended to take a nap as you were taking a nap. mga bandang 145pm, bumuhos na ang ulan. you went out. i think para i-check ulan. and isilong ang shoes ko na nasa labas. balik ka ulit pero di ka na mapakali. na baka kesyo wala tayo makuha taxi, etc. etc. so sabi mo mag-ready na ako.. that was around 230pm. before 3pm, we were boarding the taxi pa-airport. umuulan pa rin - ng malakas. pati mama mo natataranta sa yo. di na tuloy ako nakapag-mano at nakapagpaalam properly because nahawaan mo rin ako ng pagka-worried mo kaya di ako magkandatuto sa bagahe ko. you went to ride the taxi ng hindi nagpayong. ano ka ba?! tahimik ka pa rin sa taxi.. kuwento ng konti tungkol kay mokong but fell silent ulit. i was not in the mood to talk na... the clock was ticking... i felt very very sad na... ano nga ba ang tawag ng bayaw ko dun? separation anxiety... that is how you feel kapag iiwan ka na nang ng taong mahalaga sa yo...
finally, we reached the airport by 3:44pm. my flight was due 5:50pm. there was so much that i wanted to say to you pero wala e. hanggang isip ko na lang yun. nung magbeso-beso ka to bade me goodbye, i wanted to hug you and tell you na i miss you. kaya lang, hanggang thought lang talaga yun.. so yun, i just tried my best smile and waved at you while pushing my baggage cart [i forced myself not to look back until after i was sure you won't see me na...] i checked-in my luggage and whew! i was 8 kilos above the maximum wight limit of baggage that can be checked-in... argh!! since it was too early, i tried to take a nap - i guess, my lack of sleep begun to consume me then... you texted me after about 30 minutes ... "ingat, cat, txt us wen ur in mla na. thank u. god bless. c u soon.Ü" i texted back: "uuy! ang bilis mo a.. anjan ka na agad..." and you politely texted back and then nothing more when i asked back when it's gonna be that i'll see you and you didn't answer back na... i tried to take a nap again... but i couldn't go back. i was too consumed in trying to come up with a good topic and engaged you in SMS conversation... until finally, my flight was called...
we touched down NAIA around 7:30PM but i was able to get my luggage past 8pm already. I deny myself from answering your text to inform you if i've already arrived in manila. i wanted to reach my boarding house first before i text you and your mama lily so that i can truly say that i arrived safe and sound. but it took me a while to hail a cab dahil sobrang haba ng pila kaya i decided to inform you na i'm okay already and texted your mom my thanks and that i'm already in manila safe and sound.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
as of today, november 14, the last message i got from you was on october 9, 2006 (when you answered my YM that day) which read: "hehehe... d2 na cla, cat. tul." you never texted me back when i sent you SMS since then. and the only YM we've had was on October 11, 2006 except the one liner you sent me when i told you about office order no. 156 which read: "hello. depressing nga eh. i'm not happy with my work."
and the only email i got from you since your last email on 09302006 (another forwarded message) was a forwarded message on october 26, 2006...
i guess, i have to accept the fact that you can never see me the way that i see you. that i really mean nothing to you. not a friend, not even isang nakasama mo for more than one year sa trabaho at sa iisang dwelling place and all those times that truly made an impact on me sa yo... nakaka-sad lang pero alam ko naman na ganun talaga sa life... di naman pare-pareho ang thinking at feelings ng tao... kaya okay lang... ang importante naman kung ano yung makakapag-pasaya sa atin... so, i hope that everything about you right now is okay and makes you smile somehow and that everyone around you makes you happy and that life is good to you...
all i can say is that i am truly grateful and thankful that i've known you and i that i have you as my friend... i am truly blessed because of you and your friendship that came to me when i was in one of the lowest moments of my life... i just want you to know that i'm always here and that i'll never let go of your hand not even if it will cost me my life...
Day 4_DAVAO
8th of October
Event: Closing Time...
Today is my last day in Davao... siguro di mo alam na nararamdaman ko ang pagbangon mo. simula pa nung friday, you wanted to make me feel na lumilipat ka sa sala at na mas comfortable ka matulog dun kaysa sa room na pinag-stay-an ko... unfortunately, i really hadn't slept much. at talagang mababaw ang tulog ko at hirap ako matulog kapag may "unfinished business" ako sa taong kasama ko. and sobra ang need ko na makausap kita. at na di ako nagkaroon ng chance at ng lakas ng loob na magkausap tayo. dahil na rin siguro sa sinabi mo days before ako pumunta dyan na there was nothing to talk about and something to that effect na parang walang nangyari. parang hindi nangyari na tumahimik ka na lang bigla and cut your communication with me. twice pa. alam ko di ko rin naman alam kung ano dapat ko sabihin but a great wall was betwen us and i really never felt you beside me. YOU were never with me.you were there because you have to be there because you are compelled to attend to me. alam mo yun? but i am grateful, dahil kahit paano, i saw you. i've been with your family.
no plans were made for the day except my buying pomelo. worried ka na naman at baka sarado ang bilihan nun. can't you relax? did he make you anxious on almost everything at hand? we had breakfast and i took a bath and readied myself na. your mama and i had a really nice talk nung naliligo ka na. mabuti pa si mama lily nakikipag heart-to-heart talk sa akin. nagsi-share sya ng mga saloobin nya sa akin, to think na dapat ikaw ang ganun sa akin coz ikaw yung kaibigan ko. we've had a really nice talk. your mama made me feel na friend ako ng family nyo. that she completely trust me. i wish you were like that to me. because i really do care. you just don't know how important your friendship is to me. i just wish...
so yun, since may lakad din si mama lily, kasabay na natin sya sa taxi. luckily, open ang stores na bilihan ng pomelo. ininsist mo na ikaw magbabayad ng pasalubong mo kina rachie kaya sumobra ang dala ko. the problem with me is that when i set my mind to something, mahirap ma-sway yung decision na yun. naka-set na ang mind ko na bumili ng two sets. one for the NIDSS and one for my cousins. so, since ayaw mo pumayag na di ako ang bumili nung para sa NIDSS, sumbora tuloy ang dala ko. kanino ko na naman kaya ipapamigay ito? whew!
so dala natin yun sa sm coz i needed to buy shirt for rachie na kagabi lang nya itinext na gusto nya nun. e wala nga ako sa wisyo bumili ng pasalubong o magbigay ng kahit ano sa di ko nakatatak sa isip ko at sa puso. kasi ang papasalubungan ko e kasama ko - ikaw pwera sa mga pinsan ko na sumasama sa akin at nagpapatawa sa akin.
we bought lunch - take note! jollibee kasi gusto mo magtipid. ano ka ba? lunch na nga lang e... anyways, so yun.. uwi na tayo. andun na si mama lily. tapos sabi mo kaugalian na yun na after lunch nagtutulugan ang tao sa inyo. gusto ko sanang sabihin sa yo, ano ba ang ipinagkaiba ng family mo sa pamilyang Pilipino. ganun din kami. so i pretended to take a nap as you were taking a nap. mga bandang 145pm, bumuhos na ang ulan. you went out. i think para i-check ulan. and isilong ang shoes ko na nasa labas. balik ka ulit pero di ka na mapakali. na baka kesyo wala tayo makuha taxi, etc. etc. so sabi mo mag-ready na ako.. that was around 230pm. before 3pm, we were boarding the taxi pa-airport. umuulan pa rin - ng malakas. pati mama mo natataranta sa yo. di na tuloy ako nakapag-mano at nakapagpaalam properly because nahawaan mo rin ako ng pagka-worried mo kaya di ako magkandatuto sa bagahe ko. you went to ride the taxi ng hindi nagpayong. ano ka ba?! tahimik ka pa rin sa taxi.. kuwento ng konti tungkol kay mokong but fell silent ulit. i was not in the mood to talk na... the clock was ticking... i felt very very sad na... ano nga ba ang tawag ng bayaw ko dun? separation anxiety... that is how you feel kapag iiwan ka na nang ng taong mahalaga sa yo...
finally, we reached the airport by 3:44pm. my flight was due 5:50pm. there was so much that i wanted to say to you pero wala e. hanggang isip ko na lang yun. nung magbeso-beso ka to bade me goodbye, i wanted to hug you and tell you na i miss you. kaya lang, hanggang thought lang talaga yun.. so yun, i just tried my best smile and waved at you while pushing my baggage cart [i forced myself not to look back until after i was sure you won't see me na...] i checked-in my luggage and whew! i was 8 kilos above the maximum wight limit of baggage that can be checked-in... argh!! since it was too early, i tried to take a nap - i guess, my lack of sleep begun to consume me then... you texted me after about 30 minutes ... "ingat, cat, txt us wen ur in mla na. thank u. god bless. c u soon.Ü" i texted back: "uuy! ang bilis mo a.. anjan ka na agad..." and you politely texted back and then nothing more when i asked back when it's gonna be that i'll see you and you didn't answer back na... i tried to take a nap again... but i couldn't go back. i was too consumed in trying to come up with a good topic and engaged you in SMS conversation... until finally, my flight was called...
we touched down NAIA around 7:30PM but i was able to get my luggage past 8pm already. I deny myself from answering your text to inform you if i've already arrived in manila. i wanted to reach my boarding house first before i text you and your mama lily so that i can truly say that i arrived safe and sound. but it took me a while to hail a cab dahil sobrang haba ng pila kaya i decided to inform you na i'm okay already and texted your mom my thanks and that i'm already in manila safe and sound.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
as of today, november 14, the last message i got from you was on october 9, 2006 (when you answered my YM that day) which read: "hehehe... d2 na cla, cat. tul." you never texted me back when i sent you SMS since then. and the only YM we've had was on October 11, 2006 except the one liner you sent me when i told you about office order no. 156 which read: "hello. depressing nga eh. i'm not happy with my work."
and the only email i got from you since your last email on 09302006 (another forwarded message) was a forwarded message on october 26, 2006...
i guess, i have to accept the fact that you can never see me the way that i see you. that i really mean nothing to you. not a friend, not even isang nakasama mo for more than one year sa trabaho at sa iisang dwelling place and all those times that truly made an impact on me sa yo... nakaka-sad lang pero alam ko naman na ganun talaga sa life... di naman pare-pareho ang thinking at feelings ng tao... kaya okay lang... ang importante naman kung ano yung makakapag-pasaya sa atin... so, i hope that everything about you right now is okay and makes you smile somehow and that everyone around you makes you happy and that life is good to you...
all i can say is that i am truly grateful and thankful that i've known you and i that i have you as my friend... i am truly blessed because of you and your friendship that came to me when i was in one of the lowest moments of my life... i just want you to know that i'm always here and that i'll never let go of your hand not even if it will cost me my life...
"I'll Never Let Go of Your Hand..."
Day 3_DAVAO
7th of October
Event: Eden Nature Park
Again, i had a long night.. sleep was very elusive. i should be sleeping like a log with the water rafting adventure we've had. and yet, sleep hid away from me. i've done a lot of stretching, carefully tried to change my sleeping positions so as not to wake you up/disturb you [sabagay, nakatulog ka ba? alam ko naghihintay ka nang tawag ni M kahapon kasi masama ang loob mo dahil you told me he hadn't greeted you happy birthday kahapon at hanggang bago ka natulog sa kuwarto nina yen. don't know if binati ka nya nung nag-YM kayo o kung nakausap mo sya sa YM. kasi naman, bakit sya pa ang love mo. maghanap ka na lang ng iba. yung deserving sa yo. yung aalagaan ka at di ka papaiyakin. i wish that i could tell you na he's really not into you and that he doesn't deserve you dahil you are too god for him.] and yet i barely slept-3 hours at the most. i was awake when you got up and went in the bathroom. i was fully awake when you pop your head at the door and tell me it was my turn to take a bath. We had breakfast at around 7am because you said that 7:30 ang usapan nyo ni ferds na pick-up in tayo para ihatid sa eden nature park. ano'ng oras na ba dumating si ferds nun? panay na ang reklamo mo e - na di sya maayos kausap, etc. etc. you called your ate bebong's house i think thrice yata to check if he's on his way para pick-up in tayo. me? i was okay lang naman. di naman ako nagmamadali. to be very very honest, i didn't go to davao para mag-sight seeing. i came to davao to see you. makausap ka. makakuwentuhan - nothing more, nothing less. at kahit na, wala pa'ng 5% ng stay ko na kasama ka ay na-realize ko na yung schedule at plan ko, masaya na rin ako kahit paano. What was more important to me was I am spending the days with you. Alam ko mahihirapan na ako na makausap ka nang as in kausap so i am just savoring the moments na kasama kita. pwede na rin yun siguro. masuwerte na nga ako at nagkita pa tayo at na kinakausap mo ako ulit. ganito lang siguro ako kaseryoso makipagkaibigan talaga. sobrang attached. kahit na one-sided lang sa part ko ok lang. wala naman problem.
anyways, so we reached eden park mga 9:45 yata yun. you sounded excited na mag-fishing. we took the tour to eden. but before that, supposed to be kasi 1030 pa ang tour na sasamahan natin dahil puno na yung inabutan natin so sabi mo mag-snack muna tayo kasi nagugutom ka na naman - to which i commented na malamang hindi ka nagugutom kasi kakakain lang natin ng breakfast e. malamang may mild ulcer ka na brought by too much stress at sobrang pag-iisip. i know so coz napagsaanan ko na yang pinagdadaanan mo... anyways, yun nga, kaso mo nung makapag-order na tayo, dumating naman yung tour coordinator at paalis na raw ang tram natin.. so we told her about our order and she asked their restaurant's crew if it was possible na i-cancel ang order natin ok naman. na-cancel pero nagugutom ka nga so tumingin tayo ng pwedeng baunin or kainin during the tour. in-offer nila yung macademia (ba yun?) cookies. so we bought that. tapos nagulat ka sa presyo. hahahaha! kuripot ka rin pala. nun ko lang nalaman na tumitingin ka rin pala sa presyo ng binibili mo.
my first and only picture in davao (except dun sa water rafting natin) was taken in one of the many stops we've had there. Yun yung sa area ng eden na may wishing well. Sabi mo sa akin, when i declined later na kunan mo ako "was it that bad - my shot kaya ayaw mo na magpakuha?" i just smiled coz i didn't really want to tell you i was hurt nung ayaw mong magpakuha nang picture so i decided na wag na lang magpapicture. and i just took photos of the place to erase my sadness. ikaw naman ang ipinunta ko sa davao. hindi naman para makita ang davao. so i just stole shots of you. yung unaware ka at yung di ka nakatingin.
i took a picture of you when you were "making a wish" sa wishing well. 1t rained a lot today. nag-aalala nga ako baka magkasakit ka kasi wala tayong dalang payong. wala ring payong sa tram kaya every stop, bumababa tayo na nauulanan. So the tour ended sa restaurant where we had our lunch. We talked a little coz it was only 11am and the lunch was to be served at 1130. the Kami nAPO sila album was being played over and over during that time that we were in the restaurant and we talked about that. At one point you said that it was Imago or was it Sugarfree who performed APO's Panalangin and I told you it was Moonstar 88. I haven't given you my gift yet kasi. tomorrow pa. and the CD i was to give you included Panalangin version of Moonstar 88. Pero di ko na ipinilit. So yun. and you said bumili ka pala ng album nila. Buti na lang yung Batang-bata Ka Pa APO version talaga ang ni-record ko at hindi yung sa version ng sugar free kasi sabi mo wala na yung limited edition na CD ng APO at yun ngang sa bands.
So we finished lunch at pareho pala tayo di kinakalimutan magdala ng toothbrush. i don't know if na-offend kita nung sabihin ko na dun ako sa pinagtoothbrush-an ko ako pupuwesto. i seldom make a voice of my choice kasi. okay naman. so yun... ayaw tumigil ng ulan...
then nag-fishing na tayo... masaya... masaya mag-fishing... masaya mag-fishing na kasama ka.. kasi di ka masyado marunong mag-fishing hehehehe! joke lang... kasi kahit superficial lang, nakikita kong sumasaya ka... siguro ganito lang talaga ako kababaw... di kasi kita makausap ng as in kinakausap mo talaga ako e... kasi yung way ng pag-uusap natin e yung tipo na kasi nandun ako kaya dapat kausapin mo ako... alam mo yun? yun bang tipo na parang obligation...
you shriek every time you catch a fish... hahaha! i really was having fun... i took a really good shot of you... seryoso ka pa rin dito... siguro alam mo na kinukunan kita... don't worry, i haven't gotten a clear shot of your face.. see for yourself... maganda ang shot ko di ba? i actually want to publish both these shots... i am looking for a photo contest.. gusto ko isali yung sa wishing well, "wishing" ang title ko dun, tapos itong nagpi-fish ka, "still wishing" naman... oks ba? i really, really want to enter these shots sa isang photo contest... wala pa nga lang akong makita... so we caught a lot of fish... two kilos... 8 pieces lahat if i am not mistaken... then pina-clean natin yung fish...
tapos... usap-usap ng kung anu-ano... wala lang... tahimik ka kasi e... so i didn't know if dapat ba akong magsalita o wait ko na lang na magbukas ka ng topic... we were waiting for ferds na to pick us up... i think 3pm ang usapan nyo na pick-up in nya tayo...when ferds informed you [yata] na malapit na sila, sabi mo better na salubungin na lang natin sila.. so we walked to the front gate... kaso mo wala pa rin si ferds, so we decided na tumambay muna sa church na nakita natin earlier.. maganda yung church...'t'was made of glass... tahimik.. as in sobrang tahimik nug church.. tayo lang dalawa ang tao... seryoso ka pa rin... so i just pretended na busy ako sa pag-examine ng place... took some shots sa church... siguro napansin mo na parang restless ako. i pointed you the place in front of the church at sabi ko gusto ko makita yung site na natatanaw ko mula sa church.. so pumasok tayo dun... parang kanugnog yun ng church e... okay naman.. andun pala sa likod nung itinuro ko na parang extension nga ng church yung horse back riding area ng eden park... tumingin-tingin tayo kasi may mga naka-display na work ng artist dun... finally, dumating din si ferds and kasama pala nya si ate bebong mo and the kids. so yun.. nag-stop by tayo dun sa nadaanan natin nung umaga na parang coffee shop na may over-looking. mag-snack sana tayo kaya lang kaka-spray lang nila ng pesticide ba yun kaya umalis din tayo... i took a shot of your niece... i find her smile na maganda.. full smile kasi sya ... ipapadala ko na lang yung copies ng pix ko sa december kasama ng gift ko sa yo...
nakalimutan ko na rin kung saan tayo nag-snack. basta ang alam ko may japanese tunnel yun and pumasok tayo dun. the only picture i have na visible ang face mo ay yung kasama mo sila - ang family ng ate bebong mo. anyways, we had our snack. okay naman mag-open ng topic ang ate bebong mo.. we were able to talk about travelling. nasabi ko kasi na gusto ko talaga mag-travel. sabi nya bakit daw di kita yayain... gustong-gusto ko syang sagutin na matagal na kitang niyayaya kaso wala ka naman sinasabi at gusto ko ring sabihin na i know you'll never come with me... pero syempre, i would sound na parang nanunumbat pag ganun so i just smiled sa kanya... tapos nakarating pa sa usapan sa panunuod ng "high school musical". sabi ko panuorin mo because it was really a good movie - pambata (at ang yabang yabang ko pa na parang alam na alam ko na maganda nga yun when in fact di ko pa napapanuod). so yun,"tinuruan" tayo ni ferds kung paano ang masarap na tilapia. di ko naman masabi na alam ko na yung timpla nya... so yun... we dropped by a convenient store to buy foil kasi di mo sure if meron kayo sa bahay nyo.
i cleaned and preapared the fish tapos naghiwa ng mga ingredients except sa onions. luluha talaga ako pag ako ang naghiwa nun kasi may sinusitis ako e... so ikaw na dun.. then isinalang na natin yung fish. tapos, nagpaalam ako sandali and instructed you to tell me if may 30 minutes na para i-check natin if luto na. so nagligpit na ako ng things ko kasi last night ko na ngayon e. tomorrow afternoon na ang flight ko at namumroblema na ako kung paano ko pagkakasyahin ang pinamili ko na di ko alam bat ko pinagbibili sa bag ko... kaso mo, nangahas ka na marunong kang magluto kaya yun, napaso ka tuloy kasi di mo alam kung paano inaalis ang takip nung frying pan na pinag-"steam"-an natin... sus! kainis ka talaga. yan, tuloy! napaso ka pa... dagdag na naman sa guilt ko yan... di ko tuloy alam kung paano ka aasikasuhin.. tinataranta mo na naman ako... hay.. kailan ka kaya magki-care sa pag-aalala ko sa yo? anyways, the fish turned out to be good. ang sarap nga ng kain ni mama lily e... kaya lang halos di ka kumain.. siguro di masarap at sinabi mo na lang na busog ka pa.. sabagay kakakain lang natin pero kahit na... di mo man lang in-appreciate ang luto natin... sad tuloy ako... anyways, kailangan daw magvideoke tayo sa last night ko. di ko alam kung tutuo ba yun o ikaw nag-plan nun... so yen and i sang songs kasi busy ka sa pagwa-YM [finally yata e binati ka rin ni mokong. ba't ganun? sabi mo kakalimutan mo na sya pag nakalimutan nya birthday mo. e nakalimutan nga nung mokong na yun..grrr!!! sasapakin ko talaga yun pag nagkita kami!] nakisama naman ang player nyo kasi i got good scores. i wanted you to listen to all the songs i sang coz gusto kong ikanta lahat yun sa yo. it's either about how i want you to know kung gaano ka-importante sa aking yung friendship mo. yung iba naman regarding sa alam ko how you feel kay mokong at sa pag-alis nya. pinaka-importante yung "Having you near me" ng air supply kasi ala ako makita sa file ni dennis nun e... nawala lang ako sa superman kasi iba yung lyrics saka si yen ang nag-request na kantahin ko yun. the songs na na-remember ko na kinanta ko were: tuwing umuulan, can't take my eyes off of you, having you near me, superman, words, steep, maghihintay sa yo, half crazy at last song ko ang if you walked away. importante din yung if you walked away. pag familiar ka sa lyrics ng lahat ng kinanta ko, you'll find mostly yung gusto kong sabihin sayo. at one point, gusto ko ng kantahan si mama mo ng come what may by air supply. theme song ko yun sa nanay ko. gusto kong sabihin sa kanya na idini-dedicate ko ang kantang yun sa lahat ng mothers na kahit kailan di nawawala ang faith at love sa kanilang anak. at dahil i look up to her as my second mom dahil sa pag-aalaga nya sa inyo sa hindi nya pag-give kay yen at sa kuya mo. that song is very important to me at yun lang ang song na i know by heart at di ko nakakalimutan hanggang ngayon.
anyways, so yun. natapos na tayo ng 12:05am. again, you were quiet. i tried to open up a topic so that i can talk to you na kaso you were browsing the bible na so i just shut up and for the third night, pretended to sleep. ang dami mong text messages na natanggap tonight. tumigil lang yata kayo around 3am. palagi ka na lang nyang pinupuyat. nung andito sya, tinatawagan at kinakausap ka rin nya ng alanganing oras, hanggang ngayon ba naman na nasa dubai na sya, ganun pa rin sya. di man lang nya inaalala ang health mo. di ba nya alam na nanglalalim na yang mata mo sa puyat at namamayat ka na ng kakaisip sa kanya? you're showing signs din na may mild ulcer ka na. believe it or not, effect yan ng sobrang pag-iisip.. pinagdaanan ko na rin yang pinagdaraanan mo...
tomorrow, paalis na ako and yet, di pa rin kita nakakausap.. but i am thanking Him because He gave me this chance to be with you. kahit na you are not with me dahil alam kong kasama kita physically but your heart and mind ay somewhere else.
Day 3_DAVAO
7th of October
Event: Eden Nature Park
Again, i had a long night.. sleep was very elusive. i should be sleeping like a log with the water rafting adventure we've had. and yet, sleep hid away from me. i've done a lot of stretching, carefully tried to change my sleeping positions so as not to wake you up/disturb you [sabagay, nakatulog ka ba? alam ko naghihintay ka nang tawag ni M kahapon kasi masama ang loob mo dahil you told me he hadn't greeted you happy birthday kahapon at hanggang bago ka natulog sa kuwarto nina yen. don't know if binati ka nya nung nag-YM kayo o kung nakausap mo sya sa YM. kasi naman, bakit sya pa ang love mo. maghanap ka na lang ng iba. yung deserving sa yo. yung aalagaan ka at di ka papaiyakin. i wish that i could tell you na he's really not into you and that he doesn't deserve you dahil you are too god for him.] and yet i barely slept-3 hours at the most. i was awake when you got up and went in the bathroom. i was fully awake when you pop your head at the door and tell me it was my turn to take a bath. We had breakfast at around 7am because you said that 7:30 ang usapan nyo ni ferds na pick-up in tayo para ihatid sa eden nature park. ano'ng oras na ba dumating si ferds nun? panay na ang reklamo mo e - na di sya maayos kausap, etc. etc. you called your ate bebong's house i think thrice yata to check if he's on his way para pick-up in tayo. me? i was okay lang naman. di naman ako nagmamadali. to be very very honest, i didn't go to davao para mag-sight seeing. i came to davao to see you. makausap ka. makakuwentuhan - nothing more, nothing less. at kahit na, wala pa'ng 5% ng stay ko na kasama ka ay na-realize ko na yung schedule at plan ko, masaya na rin ako kahit paano. What was more important to me was I am spending the days with you. Alam ko mahihirapan na ako na makausap ka nang as in kausap so i am just savoring the moments na kasama kita. pwede na rin yun siguro. masuwerte na nga ako at nagkita pa tayo at na kinakausap mo ako ulit. ganito lang siguro ako kaseryoso makipagkaibigan talaga. sobrang attached. kahit na one-sided lang sa part ko ok lang. wala naman problem.
anyways, so we reached eden park mga 9:45 yata yun. you sounded excited na mag-fishing. we took the tour to eden. but before that, supposed to be kasi 1030 pa ang tour na sasamahan natin dahil puno na yung inabutan natin so sabi mo mag-snack muna tayo kasi nagugutom ka na naman - to which i commented na malamang hindi ka nagugutom kasi kakakain lang natin ng breakfast e. malamang may mild ulcer ka na brought by too much stress at sobrang pag-iisip. i know so coz napagsaanan ko na yang pinagdadaanan mo... anyways, yun nga, kaso mo nung makapag-order na tayo, dumating naman yung tour coordinator at paalis na raw ang tram natin.. so we told her about our order and she asked their restaurant's crew if it was possible na i-cancel ang order natin ok naman. na-cancel pero nagugutom ka nga so tumingin tayo ng pwedeng baunin or kainin during the tour. in-offer nila yung macademia (ba yun?) cookies. so we bought that. tapos nagulat ka sa presyo. hahahaha! kuripot ka rin pala. nun ko lang nalaman na tumitingin ka rin pala sa presyo ng binibili mo.
my first and only picture in davao (except dun sa water rafting natin) was taken in one of the many stops we've had there. Yun yung sa area ng eden na may wishing well. Sabi mo sa akin, when i declined later na kunan mo ako "was it that bad - my shot kaya ayaw mo na magpakuha?" i just smiled coz i didn't really want to tell you i was hurt nung ayaw mong magpakuha nang picture so i decided na wag na lang magpapicture. and i just took photos of the place to erase my sadness. ikaw naman ang ipinunta ko sa davao. hindi naman para makita ang davao. so i just stole shots of you. yung unaware ka at yung di ka nakatingin.
i took a picture of you when you were "making a wish" sa wishing well. 1t rained a lot today. nag-aalala nga ako baka magkasakit ka kasi wala tayong dalang payong. wala ring payong sa tram kaya every stop, bumababa tayo na nauulanan. So the tour ended sa restaurant where we had our lunch. We talked a little coz it was only 11am and the lunch was to be served at 1130. the Kami nAPO sila album was being played over and over during that time that we were in the restaurant and we talked about that. At one point you said that it was Imago or was it Sugarfree who performed APO's Panalangin and I told you it was Moonstar 88. I haven't given you my gift yet kasi. tomorrow pa. and the CD i was to give you included Panalangin version of Moonstar 88. Pero di ko na ipinilit. So yun. and you said bumili ka pala ng album nila. Buti na lang yung Batang-bata Ka Pa APO version talaga ang ni-record ko at hindi yung sa version ng sugar free kasi sabi mo wala na yung limited edition na CD ng APO at yun ngang sa bands.
So we finished lunch at pareho pala tayo di kinakalimutan magdala ng toothbrush. i don't know if na-offend kita nung sabihin ko na dun ako sa pinagtoothbrush-an ko ako pupuwesto. i seldom make a voice of my choice kasi. okay naman. so yun... ayaw tumigil ng ulan...
then nag-fishing na tayo... masaya... masaya mag-fishing... masaya mag-fishing na kasama ka.. kasi di ka masyado marunong mag-fishing hehehehe! joke lang... kasi kahit superficial lang, nakikita kong sumasaya ka... siguro ganito lang talaga ako kababaw... di kasi kita makausap ng as in kinakausap mo talaga ako e... kasi yung way ng pag-uusap natin e yung tipo na kasi nandun ako kaya dapat kausapin mo ako... alam mo yun? yun bang tipo na parang obligation...
you shriek every time you catch a fish... hahaha! i really was having fun... i took a really good shot of you... seryoso ka pa rin dito... siguro alam mo na kinukunan kita... don't worry, i haven't gotten a clear shot of your face.. see for yourself... maganda ang shot ko di ba? i actually want to publish both these shots... i am looking for a photo contest.. gusto ko isali yung sa wishing well, "wishing" ang title ko dun, tapos itong nagpi-fish ka, "still wishing" naman... oks ba? i really, really want to enter these shots sa isang photo contest... wala pa nga lang akong makita... so we caught a lot of fish... two kilos... 8 pieces lahat if i am not mistaken... then pina-clean natin yung fish...
tapos... usap-usap ng kung anu-ano... wala lang... tahimik ka kasi e... so i didn't know if dapat ba akong magsalita o wait ko na lang na magbukas ka ng topic... we were waiting for ferds na to pick us up... i think 3pm ang usapan nyo na pick-up in nya tayo...when ferds informed you [yata] na malapit na sila, sabi mo better na salubungin na lang natin sila.. so we walked to the front gate... kaso mo wala pa rin si ferds, so we decided na tumambay muna sa church na nakita natin earlier.. maganda yung church...'t'was made of glass... tahimik.. as in sobrang tahimik nug church.. tayo lang dalawa ang tao... seryoso ka pa rin... so i just pretended na busy ako sa pag-examine ng place... took some shots sa church... siguro napansin mo na parang restless ako. i pointed you the place in front of the church at sabi ko gusto ko makita yung site na natatanaw ko mula sa church.. so pumasok tayo dun... parang kanugnog yun ng church e... okay naman.. andun pala sa likod nung itinuro ko na parang extension nga ng church yung horse back riding area ng eden park... tumingin-tingin tayo kasi may mga naka-display na work ng artist dun... finally, dumating din si ferds and kasama pala nya si ate bebong mo and the kids. so yun.. nag-stop by tayo dun sa nadaanan natin nung umaga na parang coffee shop na may over-looking. mag-snack sana tayo kaya lang kaka-spray lang nila ng pesticide ba yun kaya umalis din tayo... i took a shot of your niece... i find her smile na maganda.. full smile kasi sya ... ipapadala ko na lang yung copies ng pix ko sa december kasama ng gift ko sa yo...
nakalimutan ko na rin kung saan tayo nag-snack. basta ang alam ko may japanese tunnel yun and pumasok tayo dun. the only picture i have na visible ang face mo ay yung kasama mo sila - ang family ng ate bebong mo. anyways, we had our snack. okay naman mag-open ng topic ang ate bebong mo.. we were able to talk about travelling. nasabi ko kasi na gusto ko talaga mag-travel. sabi nya bakit daw di kita yayain... gustong-gusto ko syang sagutin na matagal na kitang niyayaya kaso wala ka naman sinasabi at gusto ko ring sabihin na i know you'll never come with me... pero syempre, i would sound na parang nanunumbat pag ganun so i just smiled sa kanya... tapos nakarating pa sa usapan sa panunuod ng "high school musical". sabi ko panuorin mo because it was really a good movie - pambata (at ang yabang yabang ko pa na parang alam na alam ko na maganda nga yun when in fact di ko pa napapanuod). so yun,"tinuruan" tayo ni ferds kung paano ang masarap na tilapia. di ko naman masabi na alam ko na yung timpla nya... so yun... we dropped by a convenient store to buy foil kasi di mo sure if meron kayo sa bahay nyo.
i cleaned and preapared the fish tapos naghiwa ng mga ingredients except sa onions. luluha talaga ako pag ako ang naghiwa nun kasi may sinusitis ako e... so ikaw na dun.. then isinalang na natin yung fish. tapos, nagpaalam ako sandali and instructed you to tell me if may 30 minutes na para i-check natin if luto na. so nagligpit na ako ng things ko kasi last night ko na ngayon e. tomorrow afternoon na ang flight ko at namumroblema na ako kung paano ko pagkakasyahin ang pinamili ko na di ko alam bat ko pinagbibili sa bag ko... kaso mo, nangahas ka na marunong kang magluto kaya yun, napaso ka tuloy kasi di mo alam kung paano inaalis ang takip nung frying pan na pinag-"steam"-an natin... sus! kainis ka talaga. yan, tuloy! napaso ka pa... dagdag na naman sa guilt ko yan... di ko tuloy alam kung paano ka aasikasuhin.. tinataranta mo na naman ako... hay.. kailan ka kaya magki-care sa pag-aalala ko sa yo? anyways, the fish turned out to be good. ang sarap nga ng kain ni mama lily e... kaya lang halos di ka kumain.. siguro di masarap at sinabi mo na lang na busog ka pa.. sabagay kakakain lang natin pero kahit na... di mo man lang in-appreciate ang luto natin... sad tuloy ako... anyways, kailangan daw magvideoke tayo sa last night ko. di ko alam kung tutuo ba yun o ikaw nag-plan nun... so yen and i sang songs kasi busy ka sa pagwa-YM [finally yata e binati ka rin ni mokong. ba't ganun? sabi mo kakalimutan mo na sya pag nakalimutan nya birthday mo. e nakalimutan nga nung mokong na yun..grrr!!! sasapakin ko talaga yun pag nagkita kami!] nakisama naman ang player nyo kasi i got good scores. i wanted you to listen to all the songs i sang coz gusto kong ikanta lahat yun sa yo. it's either about how i want you to know kung gaano ka-importante sa aking yung friendship mo. yung iba naman regarding sa alam ko how you feel kay mokong at sa pag-alis nya. pinaka-importante yung "Having you near me" ng air supply kasi ala ako makita sa file ni dennis nun e... nawala lang ako sa superman kasi iba yung lyrics saka si yen ang nag-request na kantahin ko yun. the songs na na-remember ko na kinanta ko were: tuwing umuulan, can't take my eyes off of you, having you near me, superman, words, steep, maghihintay sa yo, half crazy at last song ko ang if you walked away. importante din yung if you walked away. pag familiar ka sa lyrics ng lahat ng kinanta ko, you'll find mostly yung gusto kong sabihin sayo. at one point, gusto ko ng kantahan si mama mo ng come what may by air supply. theme song ko yun sa nanay ko. gusto kong sabihin sa kanya na idini-dedicate ko ang kantang yun sa lahat ng mothers na kahit kailan di nawawala ang faith at love sa kanilang anak. at dahil i look up to her as my second mom dahil sa pag-aalaga nya sa inyo sa hindi nya pag-give kay yen at sa kuya mo. that song is very important to me at yun lang ang song na i know by heart at di ko nakakalimutan hanggang ngayon.
anyways, so yun. natapos na tayo ng 12:05am. again, you were quiet. i tried to open up a topic so that i can talk to you na kaso you were browsing the bible na so i just shut up and for the third night, pretended to sleep. ang dami mong text messages na natanggap tonight. tumigil lang yata kayo around 3am. palagi ka na lang nyang pinupuyat. nung andito sya, tinatawagan at kinakausap ka rin nya ng alanganing oras, hanggang ngayon ba naman na nasa dubai na sya, ganun pa rin sya. di man lang nya inaalala ang health mo. di ba nya alam na nanglalalim na yang mata mo sa puyat at namamayat ka na ng kakaisip sa kanya? you're showing signs din na may mild ulcer ka na. believe it or not, effect yan ng sobrang pag-iisip.. pinagdaanan ko na rin yang pinagdaraanan mo...
tomorrow, paalis na ako and yet, di pa rin kita nakakausap.. but i am thanking Him because He gave me this chance to be with you. kahit na you are not with me dahil alam kong kasama kita physically but your heart and mind ay somewhere else.
Monday, October 30, 2006
"I'll Never Let Go of Your Hand..."
Day 2_DAVAO
M_'s Birthday
6th of October
Event: White Water Rafting_Davao River
It was too hard for me to sleep... Namahay ba ako? I don't think so... Anyways, I think I had mild asthma attack... Goodness... Ganito yata talaga ako... Nung first time ko rin na magpunta sa inyo, in-asthma din ako ng first day... I think stressed out ako... Hmmm... Expectations...- can be very very stressful...
So I got up at 6:00 and took a bath... You were already preparing for breakfast. Was I able to greet you a happy birthday before I took a bath? I can't remember... probably during breakfast... hmmm...
I think you were pretty excited to do the WR... You were too worried that we won't be able to hail a cab... Bumili ka pa ng bonamin for anti-biyahilo sa kapitbahay na 'di halatang may tindahan at na kailangan pang itawag mo muna na bibili ka... wow! grabe... magtayo kaya ako ng sari-sari store sa village n'yo?Ü so 'yun... sumakay pa tayo ng tri-sikad (pedicab) kahit na ang lapit na lang ng lalakarin natin pa-highway... at habang umaandar pa ang tri-sikad natin, kumakaway ka na ng taxi hahahaha! sobra ang excitement mo... as in!
It took us about 20 minutes to reach the crocodile park - pick up point ng water rafting team... wow! we were too early i guess...Mga staff pa lang ng crocodile park ang andun... wala ni isang anino ng water rafting organizer... so 'yun... stroll muna tayo...sa park
medyo sumama lang ang loob ko... you didn't want your pictures taken... di na rin ako nagpakuha... so wala me souveneir shots ng sarili ko dun... di bale oks lang... sanay na naman ako...
tawa ka nang tawa sa akin ng tumili/sumigaw ako (konti lang naman) nung biglang sumampa yung crocodile from the water dun sa gilid ng pool (pond ba yun)... i really am not into reptiles... literally and figuratively... sobrang ayoko sa kanila... anyways... so yun... i think i thought you were tired already 'coz we've been circling around the park for almost an hour... i took some pictures of the animals... the ostrich, the cats & the crocs... i took some pictures of you too... 'yung nakatalikod nga lang para di obvious...
our companions arrived at around 9am i think... then after 15 minutes or so, dumating na yung organizers/guides natin... we filled up our registration forms [i used your home address and indicated your mom as my guardian]. we were briefed and de-briefed on how water rafting is done.. we were provided the gears, the keys to the lockers and bottled waters... our team mates were jen and andrew - siblings from kalookan (of chinese descent sabi mo)... the other team was composed of four "barkadahan" 3 Filipinas and a man of different nationality... mukhang dehado ang team natin... malamya si andrew e... pareho pala sila... kinakabahan na ako... ako lang yata ang mukhang batak sa trabaho sa team natin... lagot na... pa'no kaya kita mapu-protect? whew! di bale, baka makaya namin ni jack-jack, our guide...
so we hopped in the truck that will take us to the drop-off point... i forgot the name of the place... dinaldal na ako ng dinaldal ni andrew... and you as you just tried to take a nap or something but occasionally butts in when you felt like it sa conversation namin... it took us almost an hour to reach the drop off point... pagdating sa drop off point... we were instructed on how to don our gears... dapat pantay ang pagkakahigpit ng mga tali sa sides, sa crotch... di masyado mahigpit pero di rin maluwag ang helmet... we were given our paddles... we were taught the basics of paddling... the forwards, the backs, high-five, ano na nga yung term pag parang naka-ready ka lang? i forgot na ... sa CAT, "at ease" yun di ba... hmmm... dimentia effect ito... anyways... so we boarded our raft...
we paddled on the other side and circled for about two minutes... then we were instructed by jack-jack na kailangan natin to dive off the raft para alam natin kung paano ang gagawin in case of emergeny or if ever mag capsize ang raft natin... we were instructed on how to save/get the person from the water to the raft... and how to float while on (in?) the water... one important instruction/reminder (at least according to jack-jack: never let go of your paddle... sa isip ko, ano s'ya hilo? will i choose what will i let go? the paddle or you? kailangan pa bang itanong yun? anyways... ikaw muna lumubog sa water bago ako... i saw how you struggled... whew! lalo akong kinabahan... from then on, i've always checked if your feet was inserted sa mga lines ng raft... di ka pwedeng lumubog sa tubig... may life vest ka na di ka pa rin halos mag-float... goodness... pa'no na kapag tumaob ang bangka natin? argh!
so nung matapos na tayo lahat, we went on to the water rafting experience... nung una, okay pa e.. medyo boring nga ng konti kasi halos palaging smooth yung water... okay lang...at least safe ang feeling ko... okay lang din yung mga waves... bale-wala nga yun sa akin kasi alam kong walang gagawing masama yun... kayang-kaya.. kahit si jackjack lang ang magpaddle kaya yun...
Pinagpahinga tayo saglit because we're approaching na daw yung tinatawag nilang washing machine... tinanong ko kung ano'ng side yung may tendency na umangat if ever... sabi nila yung sa right side daw... so both andrew and i decided na mag-exchange positions tayo... it proved to be one wrong decision... whew! because we did capsized! As I reminisce it now, i regret na nauna mo akong nahawakan... because you didn't know how to swim, yung tendency mo na kumapit kahit kanino/saan e sobrang normal... which made it hard for me na maiangat ka sa water... it would have been best if i was the one who grabbed hold of your vest para ma-pull up kita... as it was, nahirapan ako magpull up... i didn't want you to experience yung ganun [as i've told you, naranasan ko na yun 12 years pa lang ako] but then again, mas gugustuhin ko na ang nangyari... kaysa nawalay ka sa akin that time.. mas di ko matatanggap yun.. di ko sure if makakaya ko tanggapin yun.. dahil i knew for a fact na di talaga tayo lulubog.. it's just that i really didn't want you to have a bad experience.. nung nasa ilalim nga tayo ng tubig, i was screaming to myself na di pwede mangyari yun coz it was your birthday and nothing should go wrong.. that you were with me na mas lalong dapat walang masamang mangyari... When we were rescued I put on a smile - sa 'yo at sa mga nag-rescue sa atin at later sa lahat ng kasama natin. i really should gather myself coz di ko pwede ipakita sa yo na na-rattle ako sa nangyari sa 'yo... i was blaming myself and di ko masabi sa yo na napabayaan kita... i've made a promise to myself that I'll never let go of your hand, and i'll always take care of you-kahit na di mo alam o ayaw mo.. and it was hurting me that in that moment, i've broken that promise.. i know, it would take long before I can ever have a restful/peaceful sleep. Matagal bago yun umalis sa balintataw ko...
We stopped to take a rest and mag-subside ang fear ng group natin. Nagdecide na rin na mag-early lunch na lang para di magaksaya ng time... After that, you grew quiet and palagi mo nang ikinunfirm kay jack-jack if gaano pa karaming "washing machine" ang dadaanan natin... and everytime you asked, it was killing me... Hindi na tayo ipinadaan ni jack-jack sa isa pang mala-"washing machine" [di ko na ma-recall ang tawag dun] na area.. so yun... we just watched the other group passed that area... When we reached the end of the tour, we took a shower and drove off... sleepy ka na... i wanted to tell you na just lean on my shoulder nung nagdu-dose off ka na para mas comfortable ka sana maka-nap pero as timid as i am, di ko pa rin kaya magsalita sa 'yo... We were given a souveneir shirt and a vcd copy of the pictures/videos taken during our tour taken by one of our guides who happened to be a former classmate of yours. It took us a while to ready ourselves kaya nang marealize mo na sobrang magagahol tayo sa oras para di ma-late sa mass, halos mag-tatakbo ka na naman... luckily, we arrived at the AdDU chapel five minutes before the 5 o'clock mass begun. i said my thanks to Him for keeping us safe and for allowing me to share four days with you and your family - it took me 19 months to materialize my plan to see you and to clear things up with you [and yet, wala pa rin akong nasabi-no thank you's, no i am sorry's].
You said you were so hungry so even if we are to meet your mama, yen, and your ate bebong and her family for dinner, you ate snack dun sa burger house na malapit sa AdDU [di ko na rin ma-recall ang name]. Kakakain mo lang, nag-text si mama mo sa yo na malapit na sila dun sa restaurant [God! I can't forget the name of that restaurant! I should not! but for the life of me, I really really can't recall it now.] so, again, nagmamadali na naman tayo...! it seems as if you were always running.. tuloy, i don't know if somebody took away yung pagiging calm mo e... or was it because of my presence? hay...! so we had our dinner - wow1 grabe din mag-order ang bayaw mo.. parang mga 15 adults ang kakain ng pagkain natin! and we were only 7 adults-ikaw, ako, si mama lily, si yen, si ate bebong, si ferds(?) at yaya, 2 kids [your niece and nephew - i am really sorry about forgetting their names - and an infant-si sky [i'll never forget her coz you have talked to me about her nang maraming beses nung nagwa-YM ka pa sa akin!]. You paid the bill and we went home na mga around 8pm na yata tayo natapos.
Alam mo, one thing i regret, di ko naalala na dala ko ang camera ko! God, at least di ka tatanggi magpa-picture if may mga kasama ka at birthday mo pa! Sobra na ang lala ng dimentia ko...! argh!
Anyways, you were too tired na pagkadating natin sa bahay nyo, you went to bed agad.. i didn't know na you slept sa kuwarto nina yen so tumambay pa ako at nakipanuod kina mama lily coz i was at a loss kung ano ang gagawin ko.. until i realized nga na natutulog ka sa kuwarto nila but mama lily told me na nagpapagising ka pag Maging Sino Ka Man na... so i hang around at nanuod na lang ng tv kahit na hinihila na ang katawan ko ng kama para matulog... i kept my eyelids from drooping. They tried to wake you up nung MSKM time na but you didn't budge. I decided a little later na humiga na... nahiya ako magpaalam sa mama mo so i was actually planning to come out again after a while-di ko nga pinatay ang ilaw so that i won't fall asleep. I sent you a SMS asking you what time tayo magprepare para sa lakad natin tomorrow coz i really didn't have an idea kung ano ang plan or napagusapan nyo ni ferds. Siguro mga 15-20 minutes na ako sa kuwarto ng lumabas ka and turned on your PC... magya-YM kay M. Nakahiyaan ko na lumabas kasi it was then that your CP chimed at in-inform ka nang mama mo na may text ka [na galing nga sa akin] so i just pretended to sleep na lang - nakinig na lang pala ako ng MP3 player ko (which contains all the songs sa mga CD that i sent to you)[nalipasan na rin siguro ako ng antok by that time or siguro it was more of hinihintay kita magising]. You went in mga past 11pm na ba yun? Wow...! I hardly slept! I can't sleep. i was completely lost. ang dami dami ng tumatakbo sa isipan ko... yung gusto kong ayusin sa yo lalo yatang lumabo... nadagdagan pa ng nangyari early on sa tour natin... i really badly needed to talk to you-with you. kahit na ano topic, kahit na walang katuturan - and yet we never did talk. That was how the day ended - Happy Birthday!
Day 2_DAVAO
M_'s Birthday
6th of October
Event: White Water Rafting_Davao River
It was too hard for me to sleep... Namahay ba ako? I don't think so... Anyways, I think I had mild asthma attack... Goodness... Ganito yata talaga ako... Nung first time ko rin na magpunta sa inyo, in-asthma din ako ng first day... I think stressed out ako... Hmmm... Expectations...- can be very very stressful...
So I got up at 6:00 and took a bath... You were already preparing for breakfast. Was I able to greet you a happy birthday before I took a bath? I can't remember... probably during breakfast... hmmm...
I think you were pretty excited to do the WR... You were too worried that we won't be able to hail a cab... Bumili ka pa ng bonamin for anti-biyahilo sa kapitbahay na 'di halatang may tindahan at na kailangan pang itawag mo muna na bibili ka... wow! grabe... magtayo kaya ako ng sari-sari store sa village n'yo?Ü so 'yun... sumakay pa tayo ng tri-sikad (pedicab) kahit na ang lapit na lang ng lalakarin natin pa-highway... at habang umaandar pa ang tri-sikad natin, kumakaway ka na ng taxi hahahaha! sobra ang excitement mo... as in!
It took us about 20 minutes to reach the crocodile park - pick up point ng water rafting team... wow! we were too early i guess...Mga staff pa lang ng crocodile park ang andun... wala ni isang anino ng water rafting organizer... so 'yun... stroll muna tayo...sa park
medyo sumama lang ang loob ko... you didn't want your pictures taken... di na rin ako nagpakuha... so wala me souveneir shots ng sarili ko dun... di bale oks lang... sanay na naman ako...
tawa ka nang tawa sa akin ng tumili/sumigaw ako (konti lang naman) nung biglang sumampa yung crocodile from the water dun sa gilid ng pool (pond ba yun)... i really am not into reptiles... literally and figuratively... sobrang ayoko sa kanila... anyways... so yun... i think i thought you were tired already 'coz we've been circling around the park for almost an hour... i took some pictures of the animals... the ostrich, the cats & the crocs... i took some pictures of you too... 'yung nakatalikod nga lang para di obvious...
our companions arrived at around 9am i think... then after 15 minutes or so, dumating na yung organizers/guides natin... we filled up our registration forms [i used your home address and indicated your mom as my guardian]. we were briefed and de-briefed on how water rafting is done.. we were provided the gears, the keys to the lockers and bottled waters... our team mates were jen and andrew - siblings from kalookan (of chinese descent sabi mo)... the other team was composed of four "barkadahan" 3 Filipinas and a man of different nationality... mukhang dehado ang team natin... malamya si andrew e... pareho pala sila... kinakabahan na ako... ako lang yata ang mukhang batak sa trabaho sa team natin... lagot na... pa'no kaya kita mapu-protect? whew! di bale, baka makaya namin ni jack-jack, our guide...
so we hopped in the truck that will take us to the drop-off point... i forgot the name of the place... dinaldal na ako ng dinaldal ni andrew... and you as you just tried to take a nap or something but occasionally butts in when you felt like it sa conversation namin... it took us almost an hour to reach the drop off point... pagdating sa drop off point... we were instructed on how to don our gears... dapat pantay ang pagkakahigpit ng mga tali sa sides, sa crotch... di masyado mahigpit pero di rin maluwag ang helmet... we were given our paddles... we were taught the basics of paddling... the forwards, the backs, high-five, ano na nga yung term pag parang naka-ready ka lang? i forgot na ... sa CAT, "at ease" yun di ba... hmmm... dimentia effect ito... anyways... so we boarded our raft...
we paddled on the other side and circled for about two minutes... then we were instructed by jack-jack na kailangan natin to dive off the raft para alam natin kung paano ang gagawin in case of emergeny or if ever mag capsize ang raft natin... we were instructed on how to save/get the person from the water to the raft... and how to float while on (in?) the water... one important instruction/reminder (at least according to jack-jack: never let go of your paddle... sa isip ko, ano s'ya hilo? will i choose what will i let go? the paddle or you? kailangan pa bang itanong yun? anyways... ikaw muna lumubog sa water bago ako... i saw how you struggled... whew! lalo akong kinabahan... from then on, i've always checked if your feet was inserted sa mga lines ng raft... di ka pwedeng lumubog sa tubig... may life vest ka na di ka pa rin halos mag-float... goodness... pa'no na kapag tumaob ang bangka natin? argh!
so nung matapos na tayo lahat, we went on to the water rafting experience... nung una, okay pa e.. medyo boring nga ng konti kasi halos palaging smooth yung water... okay lang...at least safe ang feeling ko... okay lang din yung mga waves... bale-wala nga yun sa akin kasi alam kong walang gagawing masama yun... kayang-kaya.. kahit si jackjack lang ang magpaddle kaya yun...
Pinagpahinga tayo saglit because we're approaching na daw yung tinatawag nilang washing machine... tinanong ko kung ano'ng side yung may tendency na umangat if ever... sabi nila yung sa right side daw... so both andrew and i decided na mag-exchange positions tayo... it proved to be one wrong decision... whew! because we did capsized! As I reminisce it now, i regret na nauna mo akong nahawakan... because you didn't know how to swim, yung tendency mo na kumapit kahit kanino/saan e sobrang normal... which made it hard for me na maiangat ka sa water... it would have been best if i was the one who grabbed hold of your vest para ma-pull up kita... as it was, nahirapan ako magpull up... i didn't want you to experience yung ganun [as i've told you, naranasan ko na yun 12 years pa lang ako] but then again, mas gugustuhin ko na ang nangyari... kaysa nawalay ka sa akin that time.. mas di ko matatanggap yun.. di ko sure if makakaya ko tanggapin yun.. dahil i knew for a fact na di talaga tayo lulubog.. it's just that i really didn't want you to have a bad experience.. nung nasa ilalim nga tayo ng tubig, i was screaming to myself na di pwede mangyari yun coz it was your birthday and nothing should go wrong.. that you were with me na mas lalong dapat walang masamang mangyari... When we were rescued I put on a smile - sa 'yo at sa mga nag-rescue sa atin at later sa lahat ng kasama natin. i really should gather myself coz di ko pwede ipakita sa yo na na-rattle ako sa nangyari sa 'yo... i was blaming myself and di ko masabi sa yo na napabayaan kita... i've made a promise to myself that I'll never let go of your hand, and i'll always take care of you-kahit na di mo alam o ayaw mo.. and it was hurting me that in that moment, i've broken that promise.. i know, it would take long before I can ever have a restful/peaceful sleep. Matagal bago yun umalis sa balintataw ko...
We stopped to take a rest and mag-subside ang fear ng group natin. Nagdecide na rin na mag-early lunch na lang para di magaksaya ng time... After that, you grew quiet and palagi mo nang ikinunfirm kay jack-jack if gaano pa karaming "washing machine" ang dadaanan natin... and everytime you asked, it was killing me... Hindi na tayo ipinadaan ni jack-jack sa isa pang mala-"washing machine" [di ko na ma-recall ang tawag dun] na area.. so yun... we just watched the other group passed that area... When we reached the end of the tour, we took a shower and drove off... sleepy ka na... i wanted to tell you na just lean on my shoulder nung nagdu-dose off ka na para mas comfortable ka sana maka-nap pero as timid as i am, di ko pa rin kaya magsalita sa 'yo... We were given a souveneir shirt and a vcd copy of the pictures/videos taken during our tour taken by one of our guides who happened to be a former classmate of yours. It took us a while to ready ourselves kaya nang marealize mo na sobrang magagahol tayo sa oras para di ma-late sa mass, halos mag-tatakbo ka na naman... luckily, we arrived at the AdDU chapel five minutes before the 5 o'clock mass begun. i said my thanks to Him for keeping us safe and for allowing me to share four days with you and your family - it took me 19 months to materialize my plan to see you and to clear things up with you [and yet, wala pa rin akong nasabi-no thank you's, no i am sorry's].
You said you were so hungry so even if we are to meet your mama, yen, and your ate bebong and her family for dinner, you ate snack dun sa burger house na malapit sa AdDU [di ko na rin ma-recall ang name]. Kakakain mo lang, nag-text si mama mo sa yo na malapit na sila dun sa restaurant [God! I can't forget the name of that restaurant! I should not! but for the life of me, I really really can't recall it now.] so, again, nagmamadali na naman tayo...! it seems as if you were always running.. tuloy, i don't know if somebody took away yung pagiging calm mo e... or was it because of my presence? hay...! so we had our dinner - wow1 grabe din mag-order ang bayaw mo.. parang mga 15 adults ang kakain ng pagkain natin! and we were only 7 adults-ikaw, ako, si mama lily, si yen, si ate bebong, si ferds(?) at yaya, 2 kids [your niece and nephew - i am really sorry about forgetting their names - and an infant-si sky [i'll never forget her coz you have talked to me about her nang maraming beses nung nagwa-YM ka pa sa akin!]. You paid the bill and we went home na mga around 8pm na yata tayo natapos.
Alam mo, one thing i regret, di ko naalala na dala ko ang camera ko! God, at least di ka tatanggi magpa-picture if may mga kasama ka at birthday mo pa! Sobra na ang lala ng dimentia ko...! argh!
Anyways, you were too tired na pagkadating natin sa bahay nyo, you went to bed agad.. i didn't know na you slept sa kuwarto nina yen so tumambay pa ako at nakipanuod kina mama lily coz i was at a loss kung ano ang gagawin ko.. until i realized nga na natutulog ka sa kuwarto nila but mama lily told me na nagpapagising ka pag Maging Sino Ka Man na... so i hang around at nanuod na lang ng tv kahit na hinihila na ang katawan ko ng kama para matulog... i kept my eyelids from drooping. They tried to wake you up nung MSKM time na but you didn't budge. I decided a little later na humiga na... nahiya ako magpaalam sa mama mo so i was actually planning to come out again after a while-di ko nga pinatay ang ilaw so that i won't fall asleep. I sent you a SMS asking you what time tayo magprepare para sa lakad natin tomorrow coz i really didn't have an idea kung ano ang plan or napagusapan nyo ni ferds. Siguro mga 15-20 minutes na ako sa kuwarto ng lumabas ka and turned on your PC... magya-YM kay M. Nakahiyaan ko na lumabas kasi it was then that your CP chimed at in-inform ka nang mama mo na may text ka [na galing nga sa akin] so i just pretended to sleep na lang - nakinig na lang pala ako ng MP3 player ko (which contains all the songs sa mga CD that i sent to you)[nalipasan na rin siguro ako ng antok by that time or siguro it was more of hinihintay kita magising]. You went in mga past 11pm na ba yun? Wow...! I hardly slept! I can't sleep. i was completely lost. ang dami dami ng tumatakbo sa isipan ko... yung gusto kong ayusin sa yo lalo yatang lumabo... nadagdagan pa ng nangyari early on sa tour natin... i really badly needed to talk to you-with you. kahit na ano topic, kahit na walang katuturan - and yet we never did talk. That was how the day ended - Happy Birthday!
Thursday, October 19, 2006
"I'll Never Let Go Of Your Hand..."
Day 1_ Davao '06
My birthday
5th of October
Event: 19 long months - Finally, i am fulfilling my promise to see you...
Woke up 15 minutes earlier than my alarm clock settings! wow! di naman ako ganun ka-excited ano?
"Happy birthday Y..." You got the best gift for yourself... hmmm... nothing can ever go wrong...
all check... OK
arrived at the MDA at 03:28 - walang pila! you're really on to a very bright day pal! God is good...!
checked in 03:41, paid the terminal fee 03:44, settled in one of the seats, tried to read some pages of the book: "he's just that not into you", stand up - decided to have a cup of coffee and a donut 03:59, half way to my steaming coffee, my flight was called 04:05am... whoah! that was early... my flight is scheduled at 04:20...! goodness! got to finish my coffee.. need to pee... hurryyyyy!!!
boarded the plane 04:12am, prayed solemnly for a safe flight/trip (i can never erase my fear of flying), the plane taxied and was on air by 04:18:39...
weather was good, got some rough airs in the visayan area, experienced some more until before touch down... but everything went okay... i've got a mission you see and i am to accomplish it... for myself... for my peace of mind... the gods are with me...
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i was too early... m was expecting me to arrive at 8am.. we touched down at 6:45. got my luggage. settled down and tried to read some more of the book...
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sent m a message... "just tell me when you're here na..." and exchange some more... -she was still home by the time i sent her the SMS... entirely my fault...
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i actually planned to hail a taxi and get to rosal street by myself... contemplated whether to go or wait while trying to concentrate on my reading... decided against it as it may offend her and her mom... so i waited...
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finally... there you were...
i waved and said my awkward hello... (jeez! i'll never be good in these things) it was way way far from what i've rehearsed...
at least you were cool... gave me a quick "beso-beso"
we were mostly quiet on the way to your home...
i'm trying to get my wits back..
you're probably trying to think of something to talk about
i think you've talked about mr. m along the way.. it was too soon for me... i was still trying to adjust to you... how you are... alam mo yun?... naninibago pa ako sa 'yo... i don't know what to say... the last time we talked face to face na masaya ka pa at at very ease sa akin was 1st week of december 2004. nanibago ka na two weeks or a week before ng ating forced leave... and pagdating ng january 2006... you were very indifferent na... it was too soon for me and you were a bit quiet na siguro talaga so i'm weighing kung paano ako mag-respond...
i need to not be serious... kailangan kong maging at ease and i know i can't be... anyways, it was ok... maybe i'm just this different... i was lost - into you... i think it's inherent sa akin na i-analyze ka... automatic e... your eyes look different... ewan ko...basta... so i was caught off-guard... that i've forgotten all the happy lines... na nirehearse at inihanda ko... ganito pa rin ako... wala talaga sa tono...
so we arrived at your house by around 8am... greet your mama and said hello to sky... yen was preparing to go to work... she was running late...
i didn't have idea of our itenerary... and i didn't expect any... i was just glad to be there... so oks lang na tinulugan mo ako after breakfast ... kahit na hindi ako ang pumuyat sa iyo... still, pasensya na... kasi ako yung reason ba't kinailangan mong magising ng maaga... hehehehe!
anyways, so tinulugan mo nga ako... after breakfast (which you said you cooked... giniling na karne with baguio beans, if i am not mistaken. tama ba) ... i tried to read and fought my sleepiness... i was too proud to admit i only got to sleep for barely two hours... but i guess i dozed off and on a bit... your ma and i talked for some time... don't know if you were awaken at any point of our conversation...
so you "woke" up at 10:30 and then you prepared lunch by 11:00... i've got a serving of your "pwede ng mag-asawa" lunch of sinigang na hipon by 11:45... while i was washing the dishes, you shoved to me m's "ID" picture that he "gave" to you for you to scan and attach to his resume... i took a quick look 'coz still i wasn't prepared for that...
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i wanted so much to talk about him ... wanted so much to know everything about sa inyong dalawa... wanted toa sk you so many things ... i just didn't know how... and i didn't think i can do that na nakikita ka na nagkukuwento... i can't think straight kasi... nakikita ko yung frustration mo... which i wanted to erase...
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we went to your office to check on the status of your "report"... i visited the church from across your branch office's building... said some prayers... took a little walk going north... wala lang magawa... went back to church.. took a nap...
we dropped by your dermatologist's clinic to buy some of those formulas you apply to your face... sorry i can't name them... don't know what they are called... went to aldivinco - for me to buy souveneirs... wala dun ang isip ko so i really didn't know what to buy or whether to buy anything... so while waiting for marie to text me their bilin's i tried to look for something to buy for myself.. didn't find any... but forced myself to buy anything... soemthing... and that something cost me more a little over 2T (the 800+ was for eden's bilins)... goodness... was i that proud...? but you said it wouldn't be hard for me to think of anyone to give it to... i just kept my mouth shut... i didn't have anyone to give it to... i am not very fond of giving gifts... because i have only a few people na pwede kong maisip na mabigyan nun.. and ayaw mo naman ng kahit ano kasi sabi mo taga-dun ka na? siguro nanay ko na lang ang bahala mag-dispose nun... anyways, ok lang... wala naman talaga problem si nanay mag-dispose nun... marami sya mapapagbigyan nun...
we left my loot sa suki mo na store and went to pick up the pansit and tokwa't baboy you ordered... for my birthday... wow! ang mura naman ng handa ko... then i insisted on buying a cake for your birthday.. so we went to sm to buy my new found mango flavor of cake of red ribbon... then umuwi na tayo... picked up my loot sa pag-uwi...
tahimik ka pa rin... so, i wasn't able to sleep much... even though we retired to bed early... i wanted to talk to you siguro kaya lang... i didn't know if it was okay... nagbasa ka pa ng bible e... di ko alam if ok lang... saka di ka rin naman nag-open ng topic... saka... maaga pa tayo dapat gumising the following morning... anyways, bottom line is we were still not talking...
hmmm... i think i was able to sleep around 3am naman...
that was how my first day with you went... nice... but lacking for so much more... but still nice... it was my birthday... it was my birthday present... how can it not be nice...? oh yes! i remembered! you greeted me happy birthday nga pala after yen greeted me... Ü no problem... it still is my birthday present... my first day... and three more days to go... don't want it to end that soon...
Day 1_ Davao '06
My birthday
5th of October
Event: 19 long months - Finally, i am fulfilling my promise to see you...
Woke up 15 minutes earlier than my alarm clock settings! wow! di naman ako ganun ka-excited ano?
"Happy birthday Y..." You got the best gift for yourself... hmmm... nothing can ever go wrong...
all check... OK
arrived at the MDA at 03:28 - walang pila! you're really on to a very bright day pal! God is good...!
checked in 03:41, paid the terminal fee 03:44, settled in one of the seats, tried to read some pages of the book: "he's just that not into you", stand up - decided to have a cup of coffee and a donut 03:59, half way to my steaming coffee, my flight was called 04:05am... whoah! that was early... my flight is scheduled at 04:20...! goodness! got to finish my coffee.. need to pee... hurryyyyy!!!
boarded the plane 04:12am, prayed solemnly for a safe flight/trip (i can never erase my fear of flying), the plane taxied and was on air by 04:18:39...
weather was good, got some rough airs in the visayan area, experienced some more until before touch down... but everything went okay... i've got a mission you see and i am to accomplish it... for myself... for my peace of mind... the gods are with me...
************************************
i was too early... m was expecting me to arrive at 8am.. we touched down at 6:45. got my luggage. settled down and tried to read some more of the book...
************************************
sent m a message... "just tell me when you're here na..." and exchange some more... -she was still home by the time i sent her the SMS... entirely my fault...
************************************
i actually planned to hail a taxi and get to rosal street by myself... contemplated whether to go or wait while trying to concentrate on my reading... decided against it as it may offend her and her mom... so i waited...
************************************
finally... there you were...
i waved and said my awkward hello... (jeez! i'll never be good in these things) it was way way far from what i've rehearsed...
at least you were cool... gave me a quick "beso-beso"
we were mostly quiet on the way to your home...
i'm trying to get my wits back..
you're probably trying to think of something to talk about
i think you've talked about mr. m along the way.. it was too soon for me... i was still trying to adjust to you... how you are... alam mo yun?... naninibago pa ako sa 'yo... i don't know what to say... the last time we talked face to face na masaya ka pa at at very ease sa akin was 1st week of december 2004. nanibago ka na two weeks or a week before ng ating forced leave... and pagdating ng january 2006... you were very indifferent na... it was too soon for me and you were a bit quiet na siguro talaga so i'm weighing kung paano ako mag-respond...
i need to not be serious... kailangan kong maging at ease and i know i can't be... anyways, it was ok... maybe i'm just this different... i was lost - into you... i think it's inherent sa akin na i-analyze ka... automatic e... your eyes look different... ewan ko...basta... so i was caught off-guard... that i've forgotten all the happy lines... na nirehearse at inihanda ko... ganito pa rin ako... wala talaga sa tono...
so we arrived at your house by around 8am... greet your mama and said hello to sky... yen was preparing to go to work... she was running late...
i didn't have idea of our itenerary... and i didn't expect any... i was just glad to be there... so oks lang na tinulugan mo ako after breakfast ... kahit na hindi ako ang pumuyat sa iyo... still, pasensya na... kasi ako yung reason ba't kinailangan mong magising ng maaga... hehehehe!
anyways, so tinulugan mo nga ako... after breakfast (which you said you cooked... giniling na karne with baguio beans, if i am not mistaken. tama ba) ... i tried to read and fought my sleepiness... i was too proud to admit i only got to sleep for barely two hours... but i guess i dozed off and on a bit... your ma and i talked for some time... don't know if you were awaken at any point of our conversation...
so you "woke" up at 10:30 and then you prepared lunch by 11:00... i've got a serving of your "pwede ng mag-asawa" lunch of sinigang na hipon by 11:45... while i was washing the dishes, you shoved to me m's "ID" picture that he "gave" to you for you to scan and attach to his resume... i took a quick look 'coz still i wasn't prepared for that...
****************************
i wanted so much to talk about him ... wanted so much to know everything about sa inyong dalawa... wanted toa sk you so many things ... i just didn't know how... and i didn't think i can do that na nakikita ka na nagkukuwento... i can't think straight kasi... nakikita ko yung frustration mo... which i wanted to erase...
****************************
we went to your office to check on the status of your "report"... i visited the church from across your branch office's building... said some prayers... took a little walk going north... wala lang magawa... went back to church.. took a nap...
we dropped by your dermatologist's clinic to buy some of those formulas you apply to your face... sorry i can't name them... don't know what they are called... went to aldivinco - for me to buy souveneirs... wala dun ang isip ko so i really didn't know what to buy or whether to buy anything... so while waiting for marie to text me their bilin's i tried to look for something to buy for myself.. didn't find any... but forced myself to buy anything... soemthing... and that something cost me more a little over 2T (the 800+ was for eden's bilins)... goodness... was i that proud...? but you said it wouldn't be hard for me to think of anyone to give it to... i just kept my mouth shut... i didn't have anyone to give it to... i am not very fond of giving gifts... because i have only a few people na pwede kong maisip na mabigyan nun.. and ayaw mo naman ng kahit ano kasi sabi mo taga-dun ka na? siguro nanay ko na lang ang bahala mag-dispose nun... anyways, ok lang... wala naman talaga problem si nanay mag-dispose nun... marami sya mapapagbigyan nun...
we left my loot sa suki mo na store and went to pick up the pansit and tokwa't baboy you ordered... for my birthday... wow! ang mura naman ng handa ko... then i insisted on buying a cake for your birthday.. so we went to sm to buy my new found mango flavor of cake of red ribbon... then umuwi na tayo... picked up my loot sa pag-uwi...
tahimik ka pa rin... so, i wasn't able to sleep much... even though we retired to bed early... i wanted to talk to you siguro kaya lang... i didn't know if it was okay... nagbasa ka pa ng bible e... di ko alam if ok lang... saka di ka rin naman nag-open ng topic... saka... maaga pa tayo dapat gumising the following morning... anyways, bottom line is we were still not talking...
hmmm... i think i was able to sleep around 3am naman...
that was how my first day with you went... nice... but lacking for so much more... but still nice... it was my birthday... it was my birthday present... how can it not be nice...? oh yes! i remembered! you greeted me happy birthday nga pala after yen greeted me... Ü no problem... it still is my birthday present... my first day... and three more days to go... don't want it to end that soon...
pre dvo 2
october 4, 2006
---------------
got to the boarding house at exactly 21:35 with my hands full - pasalubong and gifts for m...
hit the floor, took out my paraphernalia for my "obra" - scissors, ruler, pencil, the "obra" CD. draw lines, cut the lines... folded the parchment paper with the lyrics... oh goodness! no! why di tama ang alignment... yikes! palpak! argh!
well, so much for a chaotic day! here comes another straw..! nothing more i can do about this... it's entirely my fault...
called you up... asked you if rcv gave you a call and told you about the mess she got me into... you've assured me it was okay... you'll pick me up at the airport...
called up the airline to cancel her trip... shouldered the penalty - no problemo!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
the thing is ... you don't really need to know... but i'm telling it anyways, (you won't read this blog naman di ba?) i just need to unload what's in my head... cause it's full of thoughts of you na... na naman... i've actually had a hunch that she won't be coming with me... weeks before pa... maybe i silently prayed for it... in a way... kahit na may hunch na ako na di na sya makakasama...
you see, i've actually planned to come to dvo last year pa... 'cause i wanted to patch things up with you... birthday ko rin yung balak ko na bigla na lang sumulpot sa front ng house nyo and ask if you'll speak with me... kahit saan dyan... where we can talk... balikan pa ang balak ko nuon... aalis ako dito ng 5am and sakay ulit ako last flight pabalik... gusto ko lang linawin ang lahat... bakit ka nagkaganun sa akin... but something happened to me last year... kinapos na rin sa budget... so, when rcv asked me in feb this year to go there, i grabbed the chance to go .. even offered to charge the fare to my credit card... just so we can book the flight... the dates were my decision... very rarely that i voice my choices... and i did... it was a gift for myself... to see you... the place is special because you're there... ikaw lang ang ipupunta ko sa diyan sa dvo... wala nang iba... not the place, not any thing or any one or any place... i just have to make it clear.. i went to dvo to see you... i'll go to dvo each time for that one reason only...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
got to sleep early... what time is it? yikes! it's past 23:00 na... arranged, re-arranged, checked, re-checked my luggage... what else did i forgot... everything's ok... everything's cool... i'm the only who's delirious, nervous, yikes!
hit the bed at 23:48
********
23:57
one message received
M
"c.. don't forget to bring jogging pants or shorts and sneakers for our water rafting"
********
hahahaha! it felt great! you sounded na mas excited pa sa akin...! it was the best message i've received from you so far... wish ko lang na sana totoo nga na excited ka rin... sa pagdalaw ko...
how can I sleep na?
got some more text messages - birthday greetings... di bale... oks lang na di mo ako binati... happy na ako sa text message mo...
now, my only problem is... paano ako makakatulog... it's past 1am na... i have to get ready for my flight by 3:00... kailangan makarating ako sa airport before 3:30... yikes! sleep is elusive when you are too excited... full of thoughts... full of things to say... rehearsing the greetings... everything becomes blurred... hazy
october 4, 2006
---------------
got to the boarding house at exactly 21:35 with my hands full - pasalubong and gifts for m...
hit the floor, took out my paraphernalia for my "obra" - scissors, ruler, pencil, the "obra" CD. draw lines, cut the lines... folded the parchment paper with the lyrics... oh goodness! no! why di tama ang alignment... yikes! palpak! argh!
well, so much for a chaotic day! here comes another straw..! nothing more i can do about this... it's entirely my fault...
called you up... asked you if rcv gave you a call and told you about the mess she got me into... you've assured me it was okay... you'll pick me up at the airport...
called up the airline to cancel her trip... shouldered the penalty - no problemo!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
the thing is ... you don't really need to know... but i'm telling it anyways, (you won't read this blog naman di ba?) i just need to unload what's in my head... cause it's full of thoughts of you na... na naman... i've actually had a hunch that she won't be coming with me... weeks before pa... maybe i silently prayed for it... in a way... kahit na may hunch na ako na di na sya makakasama...
you see, i've actually planned to come to dvo last year pa... 'cause i wanted to patch things up with you... birthday ko rin yung balak ko na bigla na lang sumulpot sa front ng house nyo and ask if you'll speak with me... kahit saan dyan... where we can talk... balikan pa ang balak ko nuon... aalis ako dito ng 5am and sakay ulit ako last flight pabalik... gusto ko lang linawin ang lahat... bakit ka nagkaganun sa akin... but something happened to me last year... kinapos na rin sa budget... so, when rcv asked me in feb this year to go there, i grabbed the chance to go .. even offered to charge the fare to my credit card... just so we can book the flight... the dates were my decision... very rarely that i voice my choices... and i did... it was a gift for myself... to see you... the place is special because you're there... ikaw lang ang ipupunta ko sa diyan sa dvo... wala nang iba... not the place, not any thing or any one or any place... i just have to make it clear.. i went to dvo to see you... i'll go to dvo each time for that one reason only...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
got to sleep early... what time is it? yikes! it's past 23:00 na... arranged, re-arranged, checked, re-checked my luggage... what else did i forgot... everything's ok... everything's cool... i'm the only who's delirious, nervous, yikes!
hit the bed at 23:48
********
23:57
one message received
M
"c.. don't forget to bring jogging pants or shorts and sneakers for our water rafting"
********
hahahaha! it felt great! you sounded na mas excited pa sa akin...! it was the best message i've received from you so far... wish ko lang na sana totoo nga na excited ka rin... sa pagdalaw ko...
how can I sleep na?
got some more text messages - birthday greetings... di bale... oks lang na di mo ako binati... happy na ako sa text message mo...
now, my only problem is... paano ako makakatulog... it's past 1am na... i have to get ready for my flight by 3:00... kailangan makarating ako sa airport before 3:30... yikes! sleep is elusive when you are too excited... full of thoughts... full of things to say... rehearsing the greetings... everything becomes blurred... hazy
pre-davao (2006)
from my notepad files...
october 2, monday
-----------------
ayaw na talaga bumalik ng drive ko... lalo na malapit na ang trip to dvo ko... so kaysa sumakit ang ulo ko sa kapi-pretend na may ginagawa ako.... eto...
googled for lyrics of the songs included in my "garfield" compilation - for m...
nyay! accidentally re-booted my PC... di ko nai-save ginawa ko... waaahhhh...!
wow! thanks Denster! bait mo talaga... ang bilis mo naman na-burn ng songs ko...! ibang level na talaga ang "pagkahumaling" mo sa akin (lakas! hehehehe!) joke lang.. alam ko naman super-bait ka at di mo ako nalilimutan kahit na nasa ibang project ka na...
nyay! ba't ngayon mo lang ako binigyan ng "hawak-kamay" ni yeng c? paano ko pa maidadagdag ito e na-burn mo na songs ni m? di bale next CD na lang..
i owe you na ng marami... di ko alam kung saan o sino pa pwede ko maging source ng music ko kundi ikaw... tamad naman ako mag-surf e... at least ikaw masipag .. pati mag-download... buhay mo na yata ang mag-internet.. ako naman connection sa friends lang.. e kay m lang pala ... bihira mag-on-line si anne e.. sabagay.. nawawala na rin si m... buti ka pa... kahit na puro kalokohan lang ang ipinapadala mo sa akin... at di ako sumasagot, tuloy ka pa rin...
sana maka-download ka na ng count on you, having you near me saka ano pa ba ni-request ko sa yo? ah... di kasi natin ma-copy yung right here waiting e ... kasi naman protected... kainis!
october 3, tuesday
------------------
hmmm... what to do? stare at my PC thinking of how the f*** can i get out of this hell... aaargh!
google... the best companion... my best buddy... google just google anything... everything... anything
ah...! got it... m's song lyrics nga pala! darn forgetfulness! whew!
well, not really... i was actually, trying to compose myself para makapag-isip ng magandang concept... pero pati yata u-tak ko nag-freeze na sa pesteng project na ito... have i became too cold? too unfeeling? God I hate this... I hate this me that I've become for the last 19 months... I don't want to be like this... I don't need to be like this... I've overcome the ordeal of the "mid-life" crisis unscathed... I need something, someone to overcome this... to get out of this hellish job...
why can't i find any english translation of always? jeez! whew! we'll ok lang naman yun siguro... di ko nga alam kung pinapakinggan nya songs ko... last that i've known about what she thought of my songs was sometime in May pa yata...
anyways, ano ba magagawa ko? at least may napagtutuunan ng pansin di ba?
so next step, plot the lyrics sa excel para magkasya sa parchment paper na ilalagay ko sa CD... hmmm... tedious but syempre na-master ko na yanÜ when was the last time ba na gumawa ako ng ganito for a friend? hmmm some 10 years back pa ba? para kay ann? ano ba ang carrier ko nun? hmmm... all apologies... galing nga e sabi nung kapatid ni ann na si me-anne... pero di pa ganito ka-"sophisticated" ang obra ko... saka di pa uso ang CD nung 1995... cassette tape pa... hahahaha! memories...
huh! bibili pa pala ako ng parchment paper... nyay! baka sarado na ang landmark...! oh no! got to go... got to go...!
october 4, wednesday
--------------------
hmmm... how do i print my obra without being noticed... yikes! everyone is printing something... i've got to leave the office early pa naman... i need to find her B & B scent pa... yaargh! kailangan ko na ma-cut ito bago pa mag-uwian... di pwede makita ni rcv ang project ko oh no! lagot ako...!
bibili pa ako ng pasalubong... jeez! ano ba...! bakit kasi ang hilig mo mag-cram...! stupidity! of all days... naman! ngayon pa!!!
Holy crap!!! she left me in mid-air...! okay na sana naka-charge yung fare sa akin and unpaid 'til now. wala naman problem... pero paano ko haharapin si m ng mag-isa lang ako? naman! naman! naman! nammaaaan! baka i-cold treatment na naman ako nun? paano ba ito? ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! God help me...!
goodness! paano ba ito? paano ba ito? ano ba gagawin ko? tutuloy pa ba ako? what?!!!!!!! aarghhhh! ano gagawin ko?????????
yikes! ang song lyrics ko...! compose yourself... kaya mo yan... kakausapin nya si m mamamya... tapusin mo na yan gift mo... mag-u-uwian na...!
goodness! got to go! you need to go to glorietta..! everything's gonna be alright...! keep calm... don't be rattled... si m lang yan.. kaya mo yan... just be stiff you can handle it... keep a straight face... don't sway! aja! go go go!
m, here i come... please be nice to me... sorry in advance...
from my notepad files...
october 2, monday
-----------------
ayaw na talaga bumalik ng drive ko... lalo na malapit na ang trip to dvo ko... so kaysa sumakit ang ulo ko sa kapi-pretend na may ginagawa ako.... eto...
googled for lyrics of the songs included in my "garfield" compilation - for m...
nyay! accidentally re-booted my PC... di ko nai-save ginawa ko... waaahhhh...!
wow! thanks Denster! bait mo talaga... ang bilis mo naman na-burn ng songs ko...! ibang level na talaga ang "pagkahumaling" mo sa akin (lakas! hehehehe!) joke lang.. alam ko naman super-bait ka at di mo ako nalilimutan kahit na nasa ibang project ka na...
nyay! ba't ngayon mo lang ako binigyan ng "hawak-kamay" ni yeng c? paano ko pa maidadagdag ito e na-burn mo na songs ni m? di bale next CD na lang..
i owe you na ng marami... di ko alam kung saan o sino pa pwede ko maging source ng music ko kundi ikaw... tamad naman ako mag-surf e... at least ikaw masipag .. pati mag-download... buhay mo na yata ang mag-internet.. ako naman connection sa friends lang.. e kay m lang pala ... bihira mag-on-line si anne e.. sabagay.. nawawala na rin si m... buti ka pa... kahit na puro kalokohan lang ang ipinapadala mo sa akin... at di ako sumasagot, tuloy ka pa rin...
sana maka-download ka na ng count on you, having you near me saka ano pa ba ni-request ko sa yo? ah... di kasi natin ma-copy yung right here waiting e ... kasi naman protected... kainis!
october 3, tuesday
------------------
hmmm... what to do? stare at my PC thinking of how the f*** can i get out of this hell... aaargh!
google... the best companion... my best buddy... google just google anything... everything... anything
ah...! got it... m's song lyrics nga pala! darn forgetfulness! whew!
well, not really... i was actually, trying to compose myself para makapag-isip ng magandang concept... pero pati yata u-tak ko nag-freeze na sa pesteng project na ito... have i became too cold? too unfeeling? God I hate this... I hate this me that I've become for the last 19 months... I don't want to be like this... I don't need to be like this... I've overcome the ordeal of the "mid-life" crisis unscathed... I need something, someone to overcome this... to get out of this hellish job...
why can't i find any english translation of always? jeez! whew! we'll ok lang naman yun siguro... di ko nga alam kung pinapakinggan nya songs ko... last that i've known about what she thought of my songs was sometime in May pa yata...
anyways, ano ba magagawa ko? at least may napagtutuunan ng pansin di ba?
so next step, plot the lyrics sa excel para magkasya sa parchment paper na ilalagay ko sa CD... hmmm... tedious but syempre na-master ko na yanÜ when was the last time ba na gumawa ako ng ganito for a friend? hmmm some 10 years back pa ba? para kay ann? ano ba ang carrier ko nun? hmmm... all apologies... galing nga e sabi nung kapatid ni ann na si me-anne... pero di pa ganito ka-"sophisticated" ang obra ko... saka di pa uso ang CD nung 1995... cassette tape pa... hahahaha! memories...
huh! bibili pa pala ako ng parchment paper... nyay! baka sarado na ang landmark...! oh no! got to go... got to go...!
october 4, wednesday
--------------------
hmmm... how do i print my obra without being noticed... yikes! everyone is printing something... i've got to leave the office early pa naman... i need to find her B & B scent pa... yaargh! kailangan ko na ma-cut ito bago pa mag-uwian... di pwede makita ni rcv ang project ko oh no! lagot ako...!
bibili pa ako ng pasalubong... jeez! ano ba...! bakit kasi ang hilig mo mag-cram...! stupidity! of all days... naman! ngayon pa!!!
Holy crap!!! she left me in mid-air...! okay na sana naka-charge yung fare sa akin and unpaid 'til now. wala naman problem... pero paano ko haharapin si m ng mag-isa lang ako? naman! naman! naman! nammaaaan! baka i-cold treatment na naman ako nun? paano ba ito? ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! God help me...!
goodness! paano ba ito? paano ba ito? ano ba gagawin ko? tutuloy pa ba ako? what?!!!!!!! aarghhhh! ano gagawin ko?????????
yikes! ang song lyrics ko...! compose yourself... kaya mo yan... kakausapin nya si m mamamya... tapusin mo na yan gift mo... mag-u-uwian na...!
goodness! got to go! you need to go to glorietta..! everything's gonna be alright...! keep calm... don't be rattled... si m lang yan.. kaya mo yan... just be stiff you can handle it... keep a straight face... don't sway! aja! go go go!
m, here i come... please be nice to me... sorry in advance...
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
sabi nila, lahat daw ng bagay sa mundo may dahilan. lahat ng nangyayari sa buhay mo o sa mundo may dahilan... sabi rin nila, "when it rains, it pours"...
halos isang buwan pagkatapos ng pag-uusap natin na masaya ka pa... one month na rin akong nalulungkot at umuuwi na lumilipad ang isip south-bound almost 1,000 kilometers away from here...
sa panaka-nakang pagkumusta mo sa akin pagkatapos ng mayo a-kinse, naiiyak ako sa pagwawalang bahala mo... insensitive ka ba talaga? o sadyang sensitive lang ako?
pero siguro, kung nagkataon na binigyan mo ako ng karapatan na maging KAIBIGAN talaga sa 'yo baka sakali, naipaglaban ko 'yung right na 'yun... kaya lang as it is, alam ko namang wall lang talaga ako sa 'yo e...
bakit nga ba ganun? naiisip ko minsan, bakit kung sino yung mga taong mahalaga sa 'yo, sa kanila pa nababale-wala yung pagpapahalaga mo sa kanila? naiisip ko lang yun kasi madalas may mga taong nagsi-seek ng attention ko, nagsasabi sa akin ng mga saloobin nila, mga problema at duon pumapasok sa isip ko yung mga taong mahalaga sa akin bakit hindi sila yung ganun sa akin... ganito ba talaga ka-unfair ang life?
sabagay, marami naman akong dapat ipagpasalamat sa Kanya... s'yempre, di ko naman makikilala yung mga taong mahal ko kung hindi dahil ginusto Niya... hindi naman ako magiging ganito ka-swerte, kung hindi dahil sa Kanya...
pero, siguro din, tao lang ako... naghahanap, nagtatanong...
mayo a-beinte kuwatro, kinausap mo ulit ako... hindi dahil sa kung ano pa man... alam ko, wednesday kasi nuon... nariyan ulit ang "special someone" mo... isa pa, pinilit ko talagang maipadala nung nagdaang gabi ang CDs... tama pa rin ako... mapapansin mo rin ako... kakausapin mo rin ako... kahit na yun lang ang dahilan... i needed things, events to get your attention...
di ko alam kung dapat ba akong magpasalamat sa kanya... kasi iniisip ko, kung hindi dahil sa kanya, baka hindi ka rin bumalik sa akin... ang tagal-tagal mong nanahimik sa akin... halos isang taon... halos isang taon ring nagtutumining sa isip ko yung nagawa kong kasalanan... ni sa hinagap, di ko sukat akalaing mangyayari sa akin ang ganito... ang lungkot-lungkot ko... di ko alam kung kailan maaalis sa akin yung insecurity ko - dahil hanggang ngayon, lalo na ngayon na ganyan ka na naman sa akin - sa naging pagkakamali ko... alam ko, paulit-ulit mo ring sinabi sa akin na wala akong kasalanan... pero siguro maiintindihan mo lang ako, pag ikaw na ang nasa position ko... maiintindihan mo rin siguro ang nararamdaman ko..
pero di na ako umaasa pa na maiintindihan mo at intindihin mo ako... kasi alam ko, people get tired of me - just by being me, i turn people away... i am this lunatic anyway... sometimes, naaawa rin ako sa sarili ko bakit ganito ako... that i drive people crazy... ako rin ang talo in the end... kasi nga i let people down... and everytime that i do, i blame myself and end
up in self-pity... na lalo lang nagpapalayo ng mga tao away from me... yun na lang nga nang yun ang prayers ko sa Kanya... na sana gawin Nya akong normal katulad ng ibang tao para naman hindi malungkot ang buhay ko... sobrang nakakapagod din ang mag-isa e...
nanahimik ka ulit pagkatapos mong ninais na makipag-usap ako sa kanya... ipinapakausap mo ako sa "special someone" mo pero ikaw mismo na taong mahalaga sa akin di ako iniimik... alam mo ba kung gaano kasakit yun? sobra-sobra sobra-sobra at sobrang lungkot ko ... naiiyak ako...
muli ganun na naman...
a-dos ng hunyo kinausap mo ulit ako... dahil ulit sa "special someone" mo... kung hindi dahil sa
kanya... hindi mo ako kakausapin... hindi kita makakausap... kahit isang linya lang... hobby mo po ba talaga ang mang-torture ng tao? it was killing me... at katulad ng paulit-ulit kong sinasabi sa 'yo ... i cannot lie to a friend... pinilit kong kausapin ang "special someone" mo dahil alam kong sobrang mahalaga sya sa 'yo... kahit nasasaktan ako na kaya ka lang nakipag-communicate with me e dahil sa kanya... salamat ng maraming marami mr. m... kahit nasasaktan ako... may
ipagpapasalamat pa rin ako sa 'yo... kahit na gusto kitang bugbugin dahil sa pagbibigay mo ng heartaches sa KAIBIGAN ko at lahat lahat ng pain... still... kung hindi dahil sa 'yo, di sya bumalik sa akin...
pero dapat nga ba akong magpasalamat kay m? sya rin ang dahilan kung bakit lumayo ka ulit sa akin ngayon... sya rin ang dahilan bakit nagkakaganito ako ngayon... kung bakit ka nananahimik na naman sa akin (at sa mundo - sabi mo)...
june 7, ipinost ang positions para sa IT... by this time, nakapagpasa na ako ng application letter sa IA... desidido na ako at buo ang loob na makatakas sa kinasadlakan ko... pero nagdalawang isip pa rin ako dahil hindi ako sigurado na may pag-asa ako sa IA... gusto kong humingi ng payo sa 'yo... ano ba ang dapat kong gawin... umasa na matatanggap ako sa in-apply-an ko or magsiguro na malipat dito sa HO at apply-an ang position na inaalok ng IT para lang manatili ako dito sa HO at di na bumalik sa sangay... litong-lito ako... di ko alam ang gagawin ko... buo ang isip ko na umalis na... pero nandun din yung fear na paano kung hindi ako tanggapin sa IA? saan ako pupulutin... ayaw ko nang bumalik sa branch... wala na akong pupuntahan... ngayon, nagsisisi ako sa naging decision ko... kung pwede ko lang ibalik yung araw na yun... sana... sana...
a-trese ng hunyo, bandang alas-dos ng hapon, kinumusta mo ulit ako... gusto kong sabihing natutuwa ako dahil nandyan ka na ulit at miss na miss na kita at miss ko na na makausap ka... pero iba na naman ang sinabi ko... di ko na kasi alam kung paano kita ma-appease... di ko alam kung ano yung tamang response ... yung reply na kailangan para tumugma sa nais mong marinig... bobo talaga ako sa pakikipag-usap... paano ba ang mambola? para kahit na sinasaktan mo ako sa pananahimik mo, alam ko ang gagawin para kausapin mo ako ulit... nung araw na yun, a-trese ng hunyo, umuwi ulit akong talunan katulad ng mga nakalipas na araw... kausap ka sa tabi ko, nagkakandahirap sa pagpapaliwanag sa yo na okay lang... na magsalita ka naman kasi nahihirapan na ako sa pananahimik mo, na nasasaktan ako sa pagkakaganyan mo... "when it rains, it pours..." bandang alas otso y medya ng gabi ng bumababa ako ng
bus... habang naglalakad ako sa kahabaan ng national road ng muntinlupa patungo sa sakayan ng jeep na biyahe pa-katarungan village, habang kausap kita sa isip ko... nangyari ang hindi pa nangyayari sa akin sa buong 33+ years ng buhay ko... na-snatch ang bag ko... dala ang lahat ng mahahalagang papeles i.e. credit cards, IDs, etc. etc., celphone ko, kaunting pera... susi ng kotse... pero higit sa lahat, ninakaw ng snatcher ang pride ko... umuwi akong walang pera, walang susi ng bahay...
lugmok na ako sa pananahimik mo sa akin... lalo pa akong nilugmok ni Lord... siguro talaga lang sobra ang pagmamahal Nya sa akin... sinusubok ang katinuan ko... ang tibay ng dibdib ko... hanggang saan ako tatagal... pero ang nasa isip ko pa rin... baka tumatawag ka na ng gabi na yun sa akin... baka mag-text ka... baka sa himala ni Lord magparamdam ka sa akin through my mobile phone...
pumasok ako kinabukasan na wala sa sarili... gustong-gusto kitang tawagan, i-YM, i-email, gusto kong magsumbong sa 'yo, gusto kong umiyak sa 'yo... i was so devastated... gusto ko nang mag-breakdown... sari-sari na yung nararamdaman ko... di ko na maintindihan ang gagawin ko...
but i've given you my word... i-rerespeto ko yung pananahimik mo sa akin... sobrang mahalaga yung friendship mo sa akin... i can be strong just because of that... i need to be strong ... kahit na dinudurog ako ng dilemma ko... i was mentally, physically, emotionally drained...
wala na akong alam na iba pang paraan para kausapin mo ulit ako... para maka-contribute ako sa pagkakaroon mo ng peace of mind... para mapa-gaan ko yung burden na dinadala mo... pero siguro, someday, He will allow me to do that... na maging kaibigan sa 'yo...
i know, it will take a lot of time na ma-release ko yung sarili ko sa pag-iisip, pag-aalala, pagki-care sa 'yo... matatagalan pa 'til i get over the fact that i was not able to be a friend to you... until then, i hope that you'll bear with me sa pangungulit ko sa 'yo... hayaan mo, i will keep my distance naman...
alam kong hindi ako naging mabuting kaibigan sa 'yo... alam ko rin na malaki ang kasalanan ko sa 'yo... maraming bagay sa mundo ang hindi ko nagawa at magawa dahil sa pagiging ako ko sa 'yo... alam ko rin na wala akong ibang dapat sisihin kundi sarili ko... i am taking all the blame sa pananahimik mo sa akin... at alam ko na kahit gaano pa ako magsisi,wala na akong magagawa pa to undo that... wala kang naging kasalanan sa akin... ang wish ko nga lang mapatawad mo ako sa
lahat ng pagkukulang ko sa 'yo...
sana kapag lahat tumalikod na sa 'yo, kapag feeling mo kinalimutan ka na nang mga friends mo, at kapag feeling mo kaaway mo ang buong mundo, sana, wag mong kalimutan, andito lang ako... hinihintay ka... nag-aabang ng paglingon mo... ng pagpansin mo... sana 'wag mong kalilimutan kung gaano ka ka-importante sa akin...
at sana wag mong isipin na galit ako sa yo dahil sinasaktan mo ako... hindi mangyayari yun na magagalit ako sa 'yo... sasaktan mo lang ako... normal naman yun na masaktan mo ang isang tao... nasaktan na rin ako maraming maraming beses na...
parte ng buhay yun e... alam ko nakasakit na rin ako ng tao kahit di ko gusto... for all i know, sinasaktan din kita... you'll hurt my feelings for reasons that is beyond me... pero it would not affect how important you are to me... siguro mas lalo pang madidiin kung gaano ka kaimportante sa akin how you are hurting me... kasi lalo kitang di makakalimutan nun...
sana hayaan mong maging kaibigan kita 'til the time na i-allow Nya ako na manatili sa mundo... kung hindi man mangyari na ganun, wag kang mag-alala, mananatili ka dito bilang isang importante at mahalagang tao sa buhay ko... at kahit anong oras, kahit kailan, kahit balitarin man ang mundo, makalimutan mo man ako, mananatili akong nandito para sa yo at mananatili kang importanteng tao sa akin... walang makakapagbago nun...
halos isang buwan pagkatapos ng pag-uusap natin na masaya ka pa... one month na rin akong nalulungkot at umuuwi na lumilipad ang isip south-bound almost 1,000 kilometers away from here...
sa panaka-nakang pagkumusta mo sa akin pagkatapos ng mayo a-kinse, naiiyak ako sa pagwawalang bahala mo... insensitive ka ba talaga? o sadyang sensitive lang ako?
pero siguro, kung nagkataon na binigyan mo ako ng karapatan na maging KAIBIGAN talaga sa 'yo baka sakali, naipaglaban ko 'yung right na 'yun... kaya lang as it is, alam ko namang wall lang talaga ako sa 'yo e...
bakit nga ba ganun? naiisip ko minsan, bakit kung sino yung mga taong mahalaga sa 'yo, sa kanila pa nababale-wala yung pagpapahalaga mo sa kanila? naiisip ko lang yun kasi madalas may mga taong nagsi-seek ng attention ko, nagsasabi sa akin ng mga saloobin nila, mga problema at duon pumapasok sa isip ko yung mga taong mahalaga sa akin bakit hindi sila yung ganun sa akin... ganito ba talaga ka-unfair ang life?
sabagay, marami naman akong dapat ipagpasalamat sa Kanya... s'yempre, di ko naman makikilala yung mga taong mahal ko kung hindi dahil ginusto Niya... hindi naman ako magiging ganito ka-swerte, kung hindi dahil sa Kanya...
pero, siguro din, tao lang ako... naghahanap, nagtatanong...
mayo a-beinte kuwatro, kinausap mo ulit ako... hindi dahil sa kung ano pa man... alam ko, wednesday kasi nuon... nariyan ulit ang "special someone" mo... isa pa, pinilit ko talagang maipadala nung nagdaang gabi ang CDs... tama pa rin ako... mapapansin mo rin ako... kakausapin mo rin ako... kahit na yun lang ang dahilan... i needed things, events to get your attention...
di ko alam kung dapat ba akong magpasalamat sa kanya... kasi iniisip ko, kung hindi dahil sa kanya, baka hindi ka rin bumalik sa akin... ang tagal-tagal mong nanahimik sa akin... halos isang taon... halos isang taon ring nagtutumining sa isip ko yung nagawa kong kasalanan... ni sa hinagap, di ko sukat akalaing mangyayari sa akin ang ganito... ang lungkot-lungkot ko... di ko alam kung kailan maaalis sa akin yung insecurity ko - dahil hanggang ngayon, lalo na ngayon na ganyan ka na naman sa akin - sa naging pagkakamali ko... alam ko, paulit-ulit mo ring sinabi sa akin na wala akong kasalanan... pero siguro maiintindihan mo lang ako, pag ikaw na ang nasa position ko... maiintindihan mo rin siguro ang nararamdaman ko..
pero di na ako umaasa pa na maiintindihan mo at intindihin mo ako... kasi alam ko, people get tired of me - just by being me, i turn people away... i am this lunatic anyway... sometimes, naaawa rin ako sa sarili ko bakit ganito ako... that i drive people crazy... ako rin ang talo in the end... kasi nga i let people down... and everytime that i do, i blame myself and end
up in self-pity... na lalo lang nagpapalayo ng mga tao away from me... yun na lang nga nang yun ang prayers ko sa Kanya... na sana gawin Nya akong normal katulad ng ibang tao para naman hindi malungkot ang buhay ko... sobrang nakakapagod din ang mag-isa e...
nanahimik ka ulit pagkatapos mong ninais na makipag-usap ako sa kanya... ipinapakausap mo ako sa "special someone" mo pero ikaw mismo na taong mahalaga sa akin di ako iniimik... alam mo ba kung gaano kasakit yun? sobra-sobra sobra-sobra at sobrang lungkot ko ... naiiyak ako...
muli ganun na naman...
a-dos ng hunyo kinausap mo ulit ako... dahil ulit sa "special someone" mo... kung hindi dahil sa
kanya... hindi mo ako kakausapin... hindi kita makakausap... kahit isang linya lang... hobby mo po ba talaga ang mang-torture ng tao? it was killing me... at katulad ng paulit-ulit kong sinasabi sa 'yo ... i cannot lie to a friend... pinilit kong kausapin ang "special someone" mo dahil alam kong sobrang mahalaga sya sa 'yo... kahit nasasaktan ako na kaya ka lang nakipag-communicate with me e dahil sa kanya... salamat ng maraming marami mr. m... kahit nasasaktan ako... may
ipagpapasalamat pa rin ako sa 'yo... kahit na gusto kitang bugbugin dahil sa pagbibigay mo ng heartaches sa KAIBIGAN ko at lahat lahat ng pain... still... kung hindi dahil sa 'yo, di sya bumalik sa akin...
pero dapat nga ba akong magpasalamat kay m? sya rin ang dahilan kung bakit lumayo ka ulit sa akin ngayon... sya rin ang dahilan bakit nagkakaganito ako ngayon... kung bakit ka nananahimik na naman sa akin (at sa mundo - sabi mo)...
june 7, ipinost ang positions para sa IT... by this time, nakapagpasa na ako ng application letter sa IA... desidido na ako at buo ang loob na makatakas sa kinasadlakan ko... pero nagdalawang isip pa rin ako dahil hindi ako sigurado na may pag-asa ako sa IA... gusto kong humingi ng payo sa 'yo... ano ba ang dapat kong gawin... umasa na matatanggap ako sa in-apply-an ko or magsiguro na malipat dito sa HO at apply-an ang position na inaalok ng IT para lang manatili ako dito sa HO at di na bumalik sa sangay... litong-lito ako... di ko alam ang gagawin ko... buo ang isip ko na umalis na... pero nandun din yung fear na paano kung hindi ako tanggapin sa IA? saan ako pupulutin... ayaw ko nang bumalik sa branch... wala na akong pupuntahan... ngayon, nagsisisi ako sa naging decision ko... kung pwede ko lang ibalik yung araw na yun... sana... sana...
a-trese ng hunyo, bandang alas-dos ng hapon, kinumusta mo ulit ako... gusto kong sabihing natutuwa ako dahil nandyan ka na ulit at miss na miss na kita at miss ko na na makausap ka... pero iba na naman ang sinabi ko... di ko na kasi alam kung paano kita ma-appease... di ko alam kung ano yung tamang response ... yung reply na kailangan para tumugma sa nais mong marinig... bobo talaga ako sa pakikipag-usap... paano ba ang mambola? para kahit na sinasaktan mo ako sa pananahimik mo, alam ko ang gagawin para kausapin mo ako ulit... nung araw na yun, a-trese ng hunyo, umuwi ulit akong talunan katulad ng mga nakalipas na araw... kausap ka sa tabi ko, nagkakandahirap sa pagpapaliwanag sa yo na okay lang... na magsalita ka naman kasi nahihirapan na ako sa pananahimik mo, na nasasaktan ako sa pagkakaganyan mo... "when it rains, it pours..." bandang alas otso y medya ng gabi ng bumababa ako ng
bus... habang naglalakad ako sa kahabaan ng national road ng muntinlupa patungo sa sakayan ng jeep na biyahe pa-katarungan village, habang kausap kita sa isip ko... nangyari ang hindi pa nangyayari sa akin sa buong 33+ years ng buhay ko... na-snatch ang bag ko... dala ang lahat ng mahahalagang papeles i.e. credit cards, IDs, etc. etc., celphone ko, kaunting pera... susi ng kotse... pero higit sa lahat, ninakaw ng snatcher ang pride ko... umuwi akong walang pera, walang susi ng bahay...
lugmok na ako sa pananahimik mo sa akin... lalo pa akong nilugmok ni Lord... siguro talaga lang sobra ang pagmamahal Nya sa akin... sinusubok ang katinuan ko... ang tibay ng dibdib ko... hanggang saan ako tatagal... pero ang nasa isip ko pa rin... baka tumatawag ka na ng gabi na yun sa akin... baka mag-text ka... baka sa himala ni Lord magparamdam ka sa akin through my mobile phone...
pumasok ako kinabukasan na wala sa sarili... gustong-gusto kitang tawagan, i-YM, i-email, gusto kong magsumbong sa 'yo, gusto kong umiyak sa 'yo... i was so devastated... gusto ko nang mag-breakdown... sari-sari na yung nararamdaman ko... di ko na maintindihan ang gagawin ko...
but i've given you my word... i-rerespeto ko yung pananahimik mo sa akin... sobrang mahalaga yung friendship mo sa akin... i can be strong just because of that... i need to be strong ... kahit na dinudurog ako ng dilemma ko... i was mentally, physically, emotionally drained...
wala na akong alam na iba pang paraan para kausapin mo ulit ako... para maka-contribute ako sa pagkakaroon mo ng peace of mind... para mapa-gaan ko yung burden na dinadala mo... pero siguro, someday, He will allow me to do that... na maging kaibigan sa 'yo...
i know, it will take a lot of time na ma-release ko yung sarili ko sa pag-iisip, pag-aalala, pagki-care sa 'yo... matatagalan pa 'til i get over the fact that i was not able to be a friend to you... until then, i hope that you'll bear with me sa pangungulit ko sa 'yo... hayaan mo, i will keep my distance naman...
alam kong hindi ako naging mabuting kaibigan sa 'yo... alam ko rin na malaki ang kasalanan ko sa 'yo... maraming bagay sa mundo ang hindi ko nagawa at magawa dahil sa pagiging ako ko sa 'yo... alam ko rin na wala akong ibang dapat sisihin kundi sarili ko... i am taking all the blame sa pananahimik mo sa akin... at alam ko na kahit gaano pa ako magsisi,wala na akong magagawa pa to undo that... wala kang naging kasalanan sa akin... ang wish ko nga lang mapatawad mo ako sa
lahat ng pagkukulang ko sa 'yo...
sana kapag lahat tumalikod na sa 'yo, kapag feeling mo kinalimutan ka na nang mga friends mo, at kapag feeling mo kaaway mo ang buong mundo, sana, wag mong kalimutan, andito lang ako... hinihintay ka... nag-aabang ng paglingon mo... ng pagpansin mo... sana 'wag mong kalilimutan kung gaano ka ka-importante sa akin...
at sana wag mong isipin na galit ako sa yo dahil sinasaktan mo ako... hindi mangyayari yun na magagalit ako sa 'yo... sasaktan mo lang ako... normal naman yun na masaktan mo ang isang tao... nasaktan na rin ako maraming maraming beses na...
parte ng buhay yun e... alam ko nakasakit na rin ako ng tao kahit di ko gusto... for all i know, sinasaktan din kita... you'll hurt my feelings for reasons that is beyond me... pero it would not affect how important you are to me... siguro mas lalo pang madidiin kung gaano ka kaimportante sa akin how you are hurting me... kasi lalo kitang di makakalimutan nun...
sana hayaan mong maging kaibigan kita 'til the time na i-allow Nya ako na manatili sa mundo... kung hindi man mangyari na ganun, wag kang mag-alala, mananatili ka dito bilang isang importante at mahalagang tao sa buhay ko... at kahit anong oras, kahit kailan, kahit balitarin man ang mundo, makalimutan mo man ako, mananatili akong nandito para sa yo at mananatili kang importanteng tao sa akin... walang makakapagbago nun...
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