"I'll Never Let Go of Your Hand..."
Day 2_DAVAO
M_'s Birthday
6th of October
Event: White Water Rafting_Davao River

It was too hard for me to sleep... Namahay ba ako? I don't think so... Anyways, I think I had mild asthma attack... Goodness... Ganito yata talaga ako... Nung first time ko rin na magpunta sa inyo, in-asthma din ako ng first day... I think stressed out ako... Hmmm... Expectations...- can be very very stressful...

So I got up at 6:00 and took a bath... You were already preparing for breakfast. Was I able to greet you a happy birthday before I took a bath? I can't remember... probably during breakfast... hmmm...

I think you were pretty excited to do the WR... You were too worried that we won't be able to hail a cab... Bumili ka pa ng bonamin for anti-biyahilo sa kapitbahay na 'di halatang may tindahan at na kailangan pang itawag mo muna na bibili ka... wow! grabe... magtayo kaya ako ng sari-sari store sa village n'yo?Ü so 'yun... sumakay pa tayo ng tri-sikad (pedicab) kahit na ang lapit na lang ng lalakarin natin pa-highway... at habang umaandar pa ang tri-sikad natin, kumakaway ka na ng taxi hahahaha! sobra ang excitement mo... as in!

It took us about 20 minutes to reach the crocodile park - pick up point ng water rafting team... wow! we were too early i guess...Mga staff pa lang ng crocodile park ang andun... wala ni isang anino ng water rafting organizer... so 'yun... stroll muna tayo...sa park

medyo sumama lang ang loob ko... you didn't want your pictures taken... di na rin ako nagpakuha... so wala me souveneir shots ng sarili ko dun... di bale oks lang... sanay na naman ako...

tawa ka nang tawa sa akin ng tumili/sumigaw ako (konti lang naman) nung biglang sumampa yung crocodile from the water dun sa gilid ng pool (pond ba yun)... i really am not into reptiles... literally and figuratively... sobrang ayoko sa kanila... anyways... so yun... i think i thought you were tired already 'coz we've been circling around the park for almost an hour... i took some pictures of the animals... the ostrich, the cats & the crocs... i took some pictures of you too... 'yung nakatalikod nga lang para di obvious...

our companions arrived at around 9am i think... then after 15 minutes or so, dumating na yung organizers/guides natin... we filled up our registration forms [i used your home address and indicated your mom as my guardian]. we were briefed and de-briefed on how water rafting is done.. we were provided the gears, the keys to the lockers and bottled waters... our team mates were jen and andrew - siblings from kalookan (of chinese descent sabi mo)... the other team was composed of four "barkadahan" 3 Filipinas and a man of different nationality... mukhang dehado ang team natin... malamya si andrew e... pareho pala sila... kinakabahan na ako... ako lang yata ang mukhang batak sa trabaho sa team natin... lagot na... pa'no kaya kita mapu-protect? whew! di bale, baka makaya namin ni jack-jack, our guide...

so we hopped in the truck that will take us to the drop-off point... i forgot the name of the place... dinaldal na ako ng dinaldal ni andrew... and you as you just tried to take a nap or something but occasionally butts in when you felt like it sa conversation namin... it took us almost an hour to reach the drop off point... pagdating sa drop off point... we were instructed on how to don our gears... dapat pantay ang pagkakahigpit ng mga tali sa sides, sa crotch... di masyado mahigpit pero di rin maluwag ang helmet... we were given our paddles... we were taught the basics of paddling... the forwards, the backs, high-five, ano na nga yung term pag parang naka-ready ka lang? i forgot na ... sa CAT, "at ease" yun di ba... hmmm... dimentia effect ito... anyways... so we boarded our raft...

we paddled on the other side and circled for about two minutes... then we were instructed by jack-jack na kailangan natin to dive off the raft para alam natin kung paano ang gagawin in case of emergeny or if ever mag capsize ang raft natin... we were instructed on how to save/get the person from the water to the raft... and how to float while on (in?) the water... one important instruction/reminder (at least according to jack-jack: never let go of your paddle... sa isip ko, ano s'ya hilo? will i choose what will i let go? the paddle or you? kailangan pa bang itanong yun? anyways... ikaw muna lumubog sa water bago ako... i saw how you struggled... whew! lalo akong kinabahan... from then on, i've always checked if your feet was inserted sa mga lines ng raft... di ka pwedeng lumubog sa tubig... may life vest ka na di ka pa rin halos mag-float... goodness... pa'no na kapag tumaob ang bangka natin? argh!

so nung matapos na tayo lahat, we went on to the water rafting experience... nung una, okay pa e.. medyo boring nga ng konti kasi halos palaging smooth yung water... okay lang...at least safe ang feeling ko... okay lang din yung mga waves... bale-wala nga yun sa akin kasi alam kong walang gagawing masama yun... kayang-kaya.. kahit si jackjack lang ang magpaddle kaya yun...

Pinagpahinga tayo saglit because we're approaching na daw yung tinatawag nilang washing machine... tinanong ko kung ano'ng side yung may tendency na umangat if ever... sabi nila yung sa right side daw... so both andrew and i decided na mag-exchange positions tayo... it proved to be one wrong decision... whew! because we did capsized! As I reminisce it now, i regret na nauna mo akong nahawakan... because you didn't know how to swim, yung tendency mo na kumapit kahit kanino/saan e sobrang normal... which made it hard for me na maiangat ka sa water... it would have been best if i was the one who grabbed hold of your vest para ma-pull up kita... as it was, nahirapan ako magpull up... i didn't want you to experience yung ganun [as i've told you, naranasan ko na yun 12 years pa lang ako] but then again, mas gugustuhin ko na ang nangyari... kaysa nawalay ka sa akin that time.. mas di ko matatanggap yun.. di ko sure if makakaya ko tanggapin yun.. dahil i knew for a fact na di talaga tayo lulubog.. it's just that i really didn't want you to have a bad experience.. nung nasa ilalim nga tayo ng tubig, i was screaming to myself na di pwede mangyari yun coz it was your birthday and nothing should go wrong.. that you were with me na mas lalong dapat walang masamang mangyari... When we were rescued I put on a smile - sa 'yo at sa mga nag-rescue sa atin at later sa lahat ng kasama natin. i really should gather myself coz di ko pwede ipakita sa yo na na-rattle ako sa nangyari sa 'yo... i was blaming myself and di ko masabi sa yo na napabayaan kita... i've made a promise to myself that I'll never let go of your hand, and i'll always take care of you-kahit na di mo alam o ayaw mo.. and it was hurting me that in that moment, i've broken that promise.. i know, it would take long before I can ever have a restful/peaceful sleep. Matagal bago yun umalis sa balintataw ko...

We stopped to take a rest and mag-subside ang fear ng group natin. Nagdecide na rin na mag-early lunch na lang para di magaksaya ng time... After that, you grew quiet and palagi mo nang ikinunfirm kay jack-jack if gaano pa karaming "washing machine" ang dadaanan natin... and everytime you asked, it was killing me... Hindi na tayo ipinadaan ni jack-jack sa isa pang mala-"washing machine" [di ko na ma-recall ang tawag dun] na area.. so yun... we just watched the other group passed that area... When we reached the end of the tour, we took a shower and drove off... sleepy ka na... i wanted to tell you na just lean on my shoulder nung nagdu-dose off ka na para mas comfortable ka sana maka-nap pero as timid as i am, di ko pa rin kaya magsalita sa 'yo... We were given a souveneir shirt and a vcd copy of the pictures/videos taken during our tour taken by one of our guides who happened to be a former classmate of yours. It took us a while to ready ourselves kaya nang marealize mo na sobrang magagahol tayo sa oras para di ma-late sa mass, halos mag-tatakbo ka na naman... luckily, we arrived at the AdDU chapel five minutes before the 5 o'clock mass begun. i said my thanks to Him for keeping us safe and for allowing me to share four days with you and your family - it took me 19 months to materialize my plan to see you and to clear things up with you [and yet, wala pa rin akong nasabi-no thank you's, no i am sorry's].

You said you were so hungry so even if we are to meet your mama, yen, and your ate bebong and her family for dinner, you ate snack dun sa burger house na malapit sa AdDU [di ko na rin ma-recall ang name]. Kakakain mo lang, nag-text si mama mo sa yo na malapit na sila dun sa restaurant [God! I can't forget the name of that restaurant! I should not! but for the life of me, I really really can't recall it now.] so, again, nagmamadali na naman tayo...! it seems as if you were always running.. tuloy, i don't know if somebody took away yung pagiging calm mo e... or was it because of my presence? hay...! so we had our dinner - wow1 grabe din mag-order ang bayaw mo.. parang mga 15 adults ang kakain ng pagkain natin! and we were only 7 adults-ikaw, ako, si mama lily, si yen, si ate bebong, si ferds(?) at yaya, 2 kids [your niece and nephew - i am really sorry about forgetting their names - and an infant-si sky [i'll never forget her coz you have talked to me about her nang maraming beses nung nagwa-YM ka pa sa akin!]. You paid the bill and we went home na mga around 8pm na yata tayo natapos.

Alam mo, one thing i regret, di ko naalala na dala ko ang camera ko! God, at least di ka tatanggi magpa-picture if may mga kasama ka at birthday mo pa! Sobra na ang lala ng dimentia ko...! argh!

Anyways, you were too tired na pagkadating natin sa bahay nyo, you went to bed agad.. i didn't know na you slept sa kuwarto nina yen so tumambay pa ako at nakipanuod kina mama lily coz i was at a loss kung ano ang gagawin ko.. until i realized nga na natutulog ka sa kuwarto nila but mama lily told me na nagpapagising ka pag Maging Sino Ka Man na... so i hang around at nanuod na lang ng tv kahit na hinihila na ang katawan ko ng kama para matulog... i kept my eyelids from drooping. They tried to wake you up nung MSKM time na but you didn't budge. I decided a little later na humiga na... nahiya ako magpaalam sa mama mo so i was actually planning to come out again after a while-di ko nga pinatay ang ilaw so that i won't fall asleep. I sent you a SMS asking you what time tayo magprepare para sa lakad natin tomorrow coz i really didn't have an idea kung ano ang plan or napagusapan nyo ni ferds. Siguro mga 15-20 minutes na ako sa kuwarto ng lumabas ka and turned on your PC... magya-YM kay M. Nakahiyaan ko na lumabas kasi it was then that your CP chimed at in-inform ka nang mama mo na may text ka [na galing nga sa akin] so i just pretended to sleep na lang - nakinig na lang pala ako ng MP3 player ko (which contains all the songs sa mga CD that i sent to you)[nalipasan na rin siguro ako ng antok by that time or siguro it was more of hinihintay kita magising]. You went in mga past 11pm na ba yun? Wow...! I hardly slept! I can't sleep. i was completely lost. ang dami dami ng tumatakbo sa isipan ko... yung gusto kong ayusin sa yo lalo yatang lumabo... nadagdagan pa ng nangyari early on sa tour natin... i really badly needed to talk to you-with you. kahit na ano topic, kahit na walang katuturan - and yet we never did talk. That was how the day ended - Happy Birthday!

"I'll Never Let Go Of Your Hand..."
Day 1_ Davao '06
My birthday
5th of October
Event: 19 long months - Finally, i am fulfilling my promise to see you...

Woke up 15 minutes earlier than my alarm clock settings! wow! di naman ako ganun ka-excited ano?

"Happy birthday Y..." You got the best gift for yourself... hmmm... nothing can ever go wrong...

all check... OK

arrived at the MDA at 03:28 - walang pila! you're really on to a very bright day pal! God is good...!

checked in 03:41, paid the terminal fee 03:44, settled in one of the seats, tried to read some pages of the book: "he's just that not into you", stand up - decided to have a cup of coffee and a donut 03:59, half way to my steaming coffee, my flight was called 04:05am... whoah! that was early... my flight is scheduled at 04:20...! goodness! got to finish my coffee.. need to pee... hurryyyyy!!!

boarded the plane 04:12am, prayed solemnly for a safe flight/trip (i can never erase my fear of flying), the plane taxied and was on air by 04:18:39...

weather was good, got some rough airs in the visayan area, experienced some more until before touch down... but everything went okay... i've got a mission you see and i am to accomplish it... for myself... for my peace of mind... the gods are with me...
************************************
i was too early... m was expecting me to arrive at 8am.. we touched down at 6:45. got my luggage. settled down and tried to read some more of the book...
************************************

sent m a message... "just tell me when you're here na..." and exchange some more... -she was still home by the time i sent her the SMS... entirely my fault...

************************************
i actually planned to hail a taxi and get to rosal street by myself... contemplated whether to go or wait while trying to concentrate on my reading... decided against it as it may offend her and her mom... so i waited...
************************************

finally... there you were...

i waved and said my awkward hello... (jeez! i'll never be good in these things) it was way way far from what i've rehearsed...

at least you were cool... gave me a quick "beso-beso"

we were mostly quiet on the way to your home...

i'm trying to get my wits back..
you're probably trying to think of something to talk about

i think you've talked about mr. m along the way.. it was too soon for me... i was still trying to adjust to you... how you are... alam mo yun?... naninibago pa ako sa 'yo... i don't know what to say... the last time we talked face to face na masaya ka pa at at very ease sa akin was 1st week of december 2004. nanibago ka na two weeks or a week before ng ating forced leave... and pagdating ng january 2006... you were very indifferent na... it was too soon for me and you were a bit quiet na siguro talaga so i'm weighing kung paano ako mag-respond...

i need to not be serious... kailangan kong maging at ease and i know i can't be... anyways, it was ok... maybe i'm just this different... i was lost - into you... i think it's inherent sa akin na i-analyze ka... automatic e... your eyes look different... ewan ko...basta... so i was caught off-guard... that i've forgotten all the happy lines... na nirehearse at inihanda ko... ganito pa rin ako... wala talaga sa tono...

so we arrived at your house by around 8am... greet your mama and said hello to sky... yen was preparing to go to work... she was running late...

i didn't have idea of our itenerary... and i didn't expect any... i was just glad to be there... so oks lang na tinulugan mo ako after breakfast ... kahit na hindi ako ang pumuyat sa iyo... still, pasensya na... kasi ako yung reason ba't kinailangan mong magising ng maaga... hehehehe!

anyways, so tinulugan mo nga ako... after breakfast (which you said you cooked... giniling na karne with baguio beans, if i am not mistaken. tama ba) ... i tried to read and fought my sleepiness... i was too proud to admit i only got to sleep for barely two hours... but i guess i dozed off and on a bit... your ma and i talked for some time... don't know if you were awaken at any point of our conversation...

so you "woke" up at 10:30 and then you prepared lunch by 11:00... i've got a serving of your "pwede ng mag-asawa" lunch of sinigang na hipon by 11:45... while i was washing the dishes, you shoved to me m's "ID" picture that he "gave" to you for you to scan and attach to his resume... i took a quick look 'coz still i wasn't prepared for that...

****************************
i wanted so much to talk about him ... wanted so much to know everything about sa inyong dalawa... wanted toa sk you so many things ... i just didn't know how... and i didn't think i can do that na nakikita ka na nagkukuwento... i can't think straight kasi... nakikita ko yung frustration mo... which i wanted to erase...
****************************

we went to your office to check on the status of your "report"... i visited the church from across your branch office's building... said some prayers... took a little walk going north... wala lang magawa... went back to church.. took a nap...

we dropped by your dermatologist's clinic to buy some of those formulas you apply to your face... sorry i can't name them... don't know what they are called... went to aldivinco - for me to buy souveneirs... wala dun ang isip ko so i really didn't know what to buy or whether to buy anything... so while waiting for marie to text me their bilin's i tried to look for something to buy for myself.. didn't find any... but forced myself to buy anything... soemthing... and that something cost me more a little over 2T (the 800+ was for eden's bilins)... goodness... was i that proud...? but you said it wouldn't be hard for me to think of anyone to give it to... i just kept my mouth shut... i didn't have anyone to give it to... i am not very fond of giving gifts... because i have only a few people na pwede kong maisip na mabigyan nun.. and ayaw mo naman ng kahit ano kasi sabi mo taga-dun ka na? siguro nanay ko na lang ang bahala mag-dispose nun... anyways, ok lang... wala naman talaga problem si nanay mag-dispose nun... marami sya mapapagbigyan nun...

we left my loot sa suki mo na store and went to pick up the pansit and tokwa't baboy you ordered... for my birthday... wow! ang mura naman ng handa ko... then i insisted on buying a cake for your birthday.. so we went to sm to buy my new found mango flavor of cake of red ribbon... then umuwi na tayo... picked up my loot sa pag-uwi...

tahimik ka pa rin... so, i wasn't able to sleep much... even though we retired to bed early... i wanted to talk to you siguro kaya lang... i didn't know if it was okay... nagbasa ka pa ng bible e... di ko alam if ok lang... saka di ka rin naman nag-open ng topic... saka... maaga pa tayo dapat gumising the following morning... anyways, bottom line is we were still not talking...

hmmm... i think i was able to sleep around 3am naman...

that was how my first day with you went... nice... but lacking for so much more... but still nice... it was my birthday... it was my birthday present... how can it not be nice...? oh yes! i remembered! you greeted me happy birthday nga pala after yen greeted me... Ü no problem... it still is my birthday present... my first day... and three more days to go... don't want it to end that soon...

pre dvo 2

october 4, 2006
---------------
got to the boarding house at exactly 21:35 with my hands full - pasalubong and gifts for m...

hit the floor, took out my paraphernalia for my "obra" - scissors, ruler, pencil, the "obra" CD. draw lines, cut the lines... folded the parchment paper with the lyrics... oh goodness! no! why di tama ang alignment... yikes! palpak! argh!

well, so much for a chaotic day! here comes another straw..! nothing more i can do about this... it's entirely my fault...

called you up... asked you if rcv gave you a call and told you about the mess she got me into... you've assured me it was okay... you'll pick me up at the airport...

called up the airline to cancel her trip... shouldered the penalty - no problemo!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
the thing is ... you don't really need to know... but i'm telling it anyways, (you won't read this blog naman di ba?) i just need to unload what's in my head... cause it's full of thoughts of you na... na naman... i've actually had a hunch that she won't be coming with me... weeks before pa... maybe i silently prayed for it... in a way... kahit na may hunch na ako na di na sya makakasama...

you see, i've actually planned to come to dvo last year pa... 'cause i wanted to patch things up with you... birthday ko rin yung balak ko na bigla na lang sumulpot sa front ng house nyo and ask if you'll speak with me... kahit saan dyan... where we can talk... balikan pa ang balak ko nuon... aalis ako dito ng 5am and sakay ulit ako last flight pabalik... gusto ko lang linawin ang lahat... bakit ka nagkaganun sa akin... but something happened to me last year... kinapos na rin sa budget... so, when rcv asked me in feb this year to go there, i grabbed the chance to go .. even offered to charge the fare to my credit card... just so we can book the flight... the dates were my decision... very rarely that i voice my choices... and i did... it was a gift for myself... to see you... the place is special because you're there... ikaw lang ang ipupunta ko sa diyan sa dvo... wala nang iba... not the place, not any thing or any one or any place... i just have to make it clear.. i went to dvo to see you... i'll go to dvo each time for that one reason only...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

got to sleep early... what time is it? yikes! it's past 23:00 na... arranged, re-arranged, checked, re-checked my luggage... what else did i forgot... everything's ok... everything's cool... i'm the only who's delirious, nervous, yikes!

hit the bed at 23:48

********
23:57

one message received
M
"c.. don't forget to bring jogging pants or shorts and sneakers for our water rafting"
********

hahahaha! it felt great! you sounded na mas excited pa sa akin...! it was the best message i've received from you so far... wish ko lang na sana totoo nga na excited ka rin... sa pagdalaw ko...

how can I sleep na?

got some more text messages - birthday greetings... di bale... oks lang na di mo ako binati... happy na ako sa text message mo...

now, my only problem is... paano ako makakatulog... it's past 1am na... i have to get ready for my flight by 3:00... kailangan makarating ako sa airport before 3:30... yikes! sleep is elusive when you are too excited... full of thoughts... full of things to say... rehearsing the greetings... everything becomes blurred... hazy

pre-davao (2006)

from my notepad files...

october 2, monday
-----------------
ayaw na talaga bumalik ng drive ko... lalo na malapit na ang trip to dvo ko... so kaysa sumakit ang ulo ko sa kapi-pretend na may ginagawa ako.... eto...
googled for lyrics of the songs included in my "garfield" compilation - for m...

nyay! accidentally re-booted my PC... di ko nai-save ginawa ko... waaahhhh...!

wow! thanks Denster! bait mo talaga... ang bilis mo naman na-burn ng songs ko...! ibang level na talaga ang "pagkahumaling" mo sa akin (lakas! hehehehe!) joke lang.. alam ko naman super-bait ka at di mo ako nalilimutan kahit na nasa ibang project ka na...

nyay! ba't ngayon mo lang ako binigyan ng "hawak-kamay" ni yeng c? paano ko pa maidadagdag ito e na-burn mo na songs ni m? di bale next CD na lang..

i owe you na ng marami... di ko alam kung saan o sino pa pwede ko maging source ng music ko kundi ikaw... tamad naman ako mag-surf e... at least ikaw masipag .. pati mag-download... buhay mo na yata ang mag-internet.. ako naman connection sa friends lang.. e kay m lang pala ... bihira mag-on-line si anne e.. sabagay.. nawawala na rin si m... buti ka pa... kahit na puro kalokohan lang ang ipinapadala mo sa akin... at di ako sumasagot, tuloy ka pa rin...

sana maka-download ka na ng count on you, having you near me saka ano pa ba ni-request ko sa yo? ah... di kasi natin ma-copy yung right here waiting e ... kasi naman protected... kainis!

october 3, tuesday
------------------
hmmm... what to do? stare at my PC thinking of how the f*** can i get out of this hell... aaargh!

google... the best companion... my best buddy... google just google anything... everything... anything

ah...! got it... m's song lyrics nga pala! darn forgetfulness! whew!
well, not really... i was actually, trying to compose myself para makapag-isip ng magandang concept... pero pati yata u-tak ko nag-freeze na sa pesteng project na ito... have i became too cold? too unfeeling? God I hate this... I hate this me that I've become for the last 19 months... I don't want to be like this... I don't need to be like this... I've overcome the ordeal of the "mid-life" crisis unscathed... I need something, someone to overcome this... to get out of this hellish job...

why can't i find any english translation of always? jeez! whew! we'll ok lang naman yun siguro... di ko nga alam kung pinapakinggan nya songs ko... last that i've known about what she thought of my songs was sometime in May pa yata...

anyways, ano ba magagawa ko? at least may napagtutuunan ng pansin di ba?

so next step, plot the lyrics sa excel para magkasya sa parchment paper na ilalagay ko sa CD... hmmm... tedious but syempre na-master ko na yanÜ when was the last time ba na gumawa ako ng ganito for a friend? hmmm some 10 years back pa ba? para kay ann? ano ba ang carrier ko nun? hmmm... all apologies... galing nga e sabi nung kapatid ni ann na si me-anne... pero di pa ganito ka-"sophisticated" ang obra ko... saka di pa uso ang CD nung 1995... cassette tape pa... hahahaha! memories...

huh! bibili pa pala ako ng parchment paper... nyay! baka sarado na ang landmark...! oh no! got to go... got to go...!

october 4, wednesday
--------------------
hmmm... how do i print my obra without being noticed... yikes! everyone is printing something... i've got to leave the office early pa naman... i need to find her B & B scent pa... yaargh! kailangan ko na ma-cut ito bago pa mag-uwian... di pwede makita ni rcv ang project ko oh no! lagot ako...!

bibili pa ako ng pasalubong... jeez! ano ba...! bakit kasi ang hilig mo mag-cram...! stupidity! of all days... naman! ngayon pa!!!

Holy crap!!! she left me in mid-air...! okay na sana naka-charge yung fare sa akin and unpaid 'til now. wala naman problem... pero paano ko haharapin si m ng mag-isa lang ako? naman! naman! naman! nammaaaan! baka i-cold treatment na naman ako nun? paano ba ito? ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! God help me...!

goodness! paano ba ito? paano ba ito? ano ba gagawin ko? tutuloy pa ba ako? what?!!!!!!! aarghhhh! ano gagawin ko?????????

yikes! ang song lyrics ko...! compose yourself... kaya mo yan... kakausapin nya si m mamamya... tapusin mo na yan gift mo... mag-u-uwian na...!

goodness! got to go! you need to go to glorietta..! everything's gonna be alright...! keep calm... don't be rattled... si m lang yan.. kaya mo yan... just be stiff you can handle it... keep a straight face... don't sway! aja! go go go!

m, here i come... please be nice to me... sorry in advance...